Nov 12, 2009

Brother Turns Twenty

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Don't be sad if you're lonely
Cos even when nobody's around
We always want you to be happy

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Friends come and people stray

But don't let things come in your way
Cos we will always be there to stay

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Don't feel down if things don't work out
Cos even if we're
miles apart
We'll be there to sort things out

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Life is cruel and it's not that easy
Learn to appreciate little things
You'll be surprised how wonderful they can b

Hi brother, today you're twenty

If the sun doesn't light your day
Or if it rains heavily on your way
Be grateful that you can see another day

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Smile even when your soul is crying
Even if luck doesn't show up when you're ready

Call my name and I'll there when you ne
ed me

Happy Birthday, brother! God bless you!
Love, Kisses and Hugs

Nov 4, 2009

Show Me Love

It's the month of my birthday and my brother's, my boyfriend's and his brother's, my aunt's and her husband's, my cousins', and obviously for those who were born in the glorious November. But I am not writing about my or their becoming birthday, but to share a memory with you people, I graduated a few days ago. I mean the graduation ceremony was held on 31st October and I was so busy to write about anything since the ceremony made it compulsory for me to travel a few days to settle things up and I had to pack all the things in my room and the house because we were moving out (to the next block, fortunately).

Well, there was nothing extraordinary about my graduation as everyone who completed studies will have the chance to experience it with the presence of their beloved people. As for me, I had four invitation cards but I only took two as only two of my family members were coming, my dad and my little brother. My mom had to go outstation for work and my sisters were busy with their meetings with clients. My boyfriend could not make it because he was busy studying for his coming final exams. I did not feel unhappy as I was grateful enough to have my dad to drive me to the rehearsal and the actual ceremony even when he had to take a few days leave from his important work. If I had to drive myself alone to the graduation, then that is pathetic. I would be screaming and crying all the way to college if nobody could come.

The rehearsal was on Friday and we had to be there by 9 am, so my dad woke me up really early and we only had some hot drinks. Daddy had his hot tea and he asked me to eat something but I only had my coffee because I was so sleepy and I thought we would have breakfast after the rehearsal or when we had a break later. So the rehearsal was only a short briefing to explain about the actual ceremony and what to do and how. Daddy waited for me outside and the briefing ended before 11am. This was the first time he had ever come to send me to college. I drove by myself alone when I first registered as a student in the college. My parents were so busy with work and all of my siblings are used to doing things by ourselves. When I got out from the hall, I was sweating because it was really hot outside and I drank a bottle of 100 plus to cool down. Daddy was telling me to stop drinking the isotonic drink because it might make my gastric worse as I had not eaten anything from morning, but I said it would be okay.

So we decided to have brunch somewhere in Damansara to kill the time as we were going to fetch my brother in the station later. So daddy was telling me about a father who was also waiting for his daughter during the rehearsal and I was laughing to his story. I laughed but my mind was so not in its place and I was feeling dizzy. I thought, 'maybe it was just the heat'. But when daddy stopped the car at the traffic light in front of One Utama, my hand was pulling a plastic bag under the car seat and I opened it up to cover my mouth with it.

I wasn't really sure what I was doing and my dad was looking at me curiously and he asked me why. As I was just opening my mouth to say something to him, I suddenly threw out bubbles and coffee in the plastic bag. My dad was so shocked and he asked me to show him an air-conditioned place to eat, so I just pointed my hand to The Curve with my mouth still throwing out only bubble from the isotonic drink. Daddy drove really fast and he was babbling about how many times he asked me not to skip breakfast and not to drink coffee or carbonated drinks without eating.

When we got out from the car, I threw the plastic bag away and I told him I was okay but daddy was still worried. He was holding me because he was afraid I might be fainted. I had to eat the whole plate of rice even when I couldn't finish it. My dad was really treating me like I was still a little girl when he insisted me to eat all the rice and chicken and finish up the drinks so that I would not get worse. After eating and drinking green tea, I felt relieved and I didn't feel like throwing up again. So daddy suggested to go window shopping in IKEA. I was glad that he was happy looking at all the pretty furnitures after making him worried for my unintentional carelessness. It had been a while since I saw him smiling for things that he did for himself. He was always doing things for others and it felt really great to see him enjoying the very limited time for himself.

When we got home after fetching my brother, my dad was telling everyone in the house about me throwing up in the car because I didn't want to have breakfast. Everyone was laughing but I knew that he was really worried about me and he really wanted me to be in a bed of roses, especially on my graduation day. My brother and sisters were laughing when he was babbling because that showed how much he cares for h
is children. He might get a little sarcastic sometimes, but he's the best man in the whole universe.

Well, that was on the rehearsal day. I really want to tell you guys what happened during my graduation but it is now almost 3 am in the morning and I had to wake up early tomorrow because I have work to do so I'll continue once I settled things up.

"A father doesn't tell you that he loves you.

He shows you."

Sep 28, 2009

Sometimes, Always, Perhaps

Is there a perfect love? People questioned.

It happens once in a while, a few said.

Perhaps it does to lucky ones, some thought.

But there is always a perfect lie, everyone agreed.

Sep 17, 2009

Night So Cold

Woke up at four

Checked out the inbox
Received a few messages
His name wasn't included


Tried to get back to sleep
Both eyes closed
Mind still wide awake
His images couldn't be ignored

Eyes opened

Unlocked the keypad
Upper and lower lips pouted
Started texting
But kept deleting

Text message cancelled

It showed
Thou both hearts desired
But blocked with ego
Nights turned out really cold..

('Cold' by Marquise de Ville, September 2009)

Aug 26, 2009

Two Feels Like Three

A friend called me up to talk about her guy which was one of the favourite boyfriends in our circle. He was always a romantic good-looking guy with a sense of humour that never failed to catch people's attention. They were a great couple as we friends could see and they looked so good with each other. After eight months of going strong in the relationship, the boyfriend became a bit blurry than usual and everything she did didn't catch his attention anymore. He preferred to stay quiet, became a loner and did things on his own - which - weren't really productive for himself and obviously the relationship. He did unusual things like buying daisies for the house even if he knew that she preferred roses. He started drinking juices every morning after a few years of starting the day with their favourite black coffee. He started listening to sad songs and he didn't laugh like he used to everytime he turned his favourite dance tunes on. She felt weird. She thought he might be having problems in his work or financial as he didn't really has a close relationship with his family ever since he graduated and led his own life. She tried to talk to him but when she asked he just smiled and said that he was okay. She thought 'maybe he just needs his own space' and she never asked the same thing again.

When their relationship was turning to its first year, when she started discussing about marriage, he became like a freak. He didn't go out he didn't go to work and never wanted to see anyone. He did and said things to her like he was talking to someone else. She was so worried that he might has some kind of critical disease or severe internal bleeding or whatever but again, when she asked, his smile never felt like the same beautiful smile that he had before and she could see something else in his eyes which used to show only images of her and the moments they spent together. The eyes were telling her about something else - something she never thought would ever come between the two of them. He was doing everything that his ex-girlfriend loved and he changed because he realised that she could never come back in his life again.

I was confused for a while but my friend finally told me that he lost his previous girlfriend in a car accident two years before they met. He was about to take her to a candle-light dinner where he planned to propose her and they were hit by a truck before they got to the place, which means before he had the chance to tell her that he wanted her to be the one in his life forever. He survived but she died. He moved on and carried on with his life two yeas after but maybe he suddenly realised that it was all his fault and he was trying to get her back ignoring that he was already blessed with the current girlfriend who loved him with all her heart and didn't care about his history.

I was stunned as I finished my third cup of coffee and I was speechless. I thought maybe he turned like that because he was afraid of losing her like his previous girl, but he didn't realise that he was losing her instead of trying to save her from what he was afraid of. I didn't know what to say because all I could see in the girl's eyes were hopes that turning into ashes and painful heartbreak that couldn't stop bleeding and I knew from the moment she said she couldn't take it - fighting with someone she can't see - she really meant it. And back at home I thought about how complicated the story was and I couldn't find any answer because I might not have the same memory that I have now if the life line is different. I am so blessed that history builds a better life for me to cherish what I have today.

Footsteps on the stairs
Nobody there
I feel like there's someone watching me
Shadows on the wall
Whispers down the hall
But when I look there's nothing to see
You say that you let her go
You turned the page and closed the door
I can't get inside your head
Cause when I try she's there instead

You say that she's gone
That you've moved on
So why do I feel her eyes on me
Can invisible chains keep us in pain
Won't you please tell her set you free
Sometimes when you look past me
your eyes see someone I can't see
So I'm giving up this war
Cause I can't fight it anymore

I can't compete with a memory
How can I fight with someone that I can't see
There's two of us but it feels like three
I wish her ghost would just let us be
Boy you're everything I ever wanted
But I gotta let you go
cause this love is haunted

('Haunted' by Rihanna)

Aug 11, 2009

Holding On

The fasting month is around the corner and the time flies really fast that I haven't noticed that it is already August. It's the end of the summer season. Eid will be in September and my convocation is rumoured to be in October or early November. And we've booked the tickets to London after my birthday in November. There goes my schedule for the rest of the year.

Well, I was watching the TV before I started typing this post. The fast-spreading influenza flu is really hitting every headlines in the news these days and I am so afraid to go out from the house even to the nearest 7-eleven store. The virus kills people in a few days and I figure I am still not ready to be diagnosed with the disgusting flu that originated from pigs! I am so relieved to think that I haven't applied any teaching posts in any school because the virus spreads so fast in schools and public places. I feel sorry for the kids and teachers. The government really has to do! You don't have to wait for everyone in the same place to die from the flu before you close it or take any action. Hopefully they know what to do.

I don't really have much to share this time but I found my old pendrive in my old bag that was used during my foundation year and one of my favourite songs are still in there. I remember singing to the song over and over but it didn't really matter as I was super-single and available and I was still a girl who loved to play around and enjoyed partying and outings and stuff. But when I played the song just now, it really made me think about myself. Will I always be there for whoever that needs me around? And will they be there when I need them the most? Well, life is what it is. It can never be perfect but we can always try to make it beautiful and stick together for because sometimes what matters most is to be there when you are needed..

Will I always be there for you?
When you need someone
Will I be that one you need?
Will I do all my best to, to protect you?
When the tears get near your eyes
Will I be the one that's by your side?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise I will
Will I take tender tender care of you?
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you
Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?
When this world has turned so cold
Will I be the one that's there to hold?
And I love you more every day
And nothing will take that love away
When you need someone
I promise I'll be there for you

('I Promise" by Stacie Orrico)

Jun 29, 2009

Too Late To Escape

In every corner of the world music fans are still crying in sorrow. All the daily news are reporting about the unanswered tragic death of the King of Pop. As for me, this few days of holiday miles apart from my other half makes me think of how to survive when it hurts to be missing the moments spent since the year started. I am myself confused with many questions in my head about my future plans, my job, my family and my distance relationship. The first few days staying apart really killed and it doesn't sound promising to be living happily for the days or months to come. But that's the fact that we have to face and I am really concern about the change of behaviour and mood swing that I am facing at the moment. People might say the tougher the challenge is, the stronger your love will be. But I can't help from thinking how are you going to be tough or strong without your other half around and how are you going to be okay if he or she cannot make it when you need him or her to be there through thick and thin? It's not that I don't try to make it work or fix it, the more I try the more it hurts because nobody enjoys the journey alone. When I tried to convince myself that I can do everything by myself, I realised that there is nothing that I want to do than being stuck with him and the bond is already too strong to be broken. And no matter how deep I get hurt or how far I get lost in my own world, I won't give it up. How am I going to do about it? I guess I can't never get the answer because I do- with all my him.

Don't know how we got this far
So attached now and this gets me
Like a thief you stole my heart
And I fallen in love so unfairly
Boy I hate that my
World revolves around you
And I hate my heart
Cause it hurts without you

Why, why am I so lost in you?
And I don't even know me anymore
Why, I don't know why I'm so confused
Cause I'm hating that I love you this much boy
I'm Confused

You gave me goosebumps, every time
My heart skips a beat when you touch me
I'm so mesmerized
Who told you, you could be mine?
I'm mad at you for this nice surprise

I think I hate you, yes I hate you
Wait, I love you, I love you
I'm really so confused,
I love you, yes I do

('Love Confusion' by Kat DeLuna)

Far Apart

June is almost over and I just noticed that I haven't updated my blog for over a month! I was pretty busy being an unofficial planner for my boyfriend's brother for his engagement ceremony. They asked me to help them out with the decoration for all the gifts that they were going to give to the bride-to-be which we called hantaran here in Malaysia. It was a pretty busy time for me as I was juggling work and time to be spent with my boyfriend before he starts his semester hundred miles away next month. His family invited me to the engagement ceremony and I had a great time doing all the last-minute touch-ups to the gifts and decorations together with the family. We had a good time going to the beach and spent every minute we had with jokes and conversations and I felt relieved that they are really nice and welcoming. The event went pretty well and our hantaran really stunned everyone in the house, so I guess my friends and family were right when they told me that I should be a wedding planner and start a real business. Well, I'll think about it.

The ring was placed around the bird's head
(That was not the real ring, we were trying it out)

All the five beautifully decorated presents from our side
(From top right: Silk, Chocolate Cake, Fruits and
on the left from top: Tepak sireh and The Engagement Ring)

Oh, I was so freaking happy when my girlfriends called me up to stay at my place so that we could watch a movie together and we were so like 'Spice Girls' going out watching Hannah Montana The Movie in Cineleisure. I drove with a CD of Britney Spears' songs played in my CD player with my girlfriends singing along and we were heading to watch Miley Cyrus in action! We were so happy to be like the stars in Gossip Girl or Crossroads (and I swear my boyfriend will hate me if he saw me with that girly attitude) hahaha..

Well, the movie was really good. Although it was a simple movie with a simple story line, it really inspires and motivates those with hopes and dreams. As for me, it really t
ouched my heart to see how people sacrifice everything they have to achieve something that they are not sure if they can have it, but at least they try and they never give it up until they get what they want. And that thought makes me think about my future plans..which..I can't really describe here..yet.

Before I forget, there were a lot of news breaking up in the media lately and the death of the one and only King of Pop really leaves an impact to the whole world. People all over the universe are mourning about the death and I really do feel sad that he died in shock when the world still needs h
im around. I have always admired his music and dancing since I learned how to read. I love all of his songs and there won't be another Michael Jackson anymore. He will always be there...though far apart..he will always be in our hearts..

May 14, 2009

Rest In Peace

I am having trouble sleeping..again. It is really hard to continue counting the sheep to fall asleep when you are thinking about an accident happened just a day before at the very same time you are about to fall asleep. I fell asleep earlier yesterday and it was 4am, earlier than this time I am writing. My sister came home before 5am when she woke me up and told me that one of my neighbours who was living in just two doors away from our house committed suicide. We thought the house was empty until police officers and forensics appeared with reporters. The victim jumped out of the balcony or window (we're not really clear about it as we don't want to ask for more or know more about it) from sixteenth floor and her body shattered into pieces. My sister saw her earlier the night before when she went out and she was really shocked to see what happened after she got back. The police managed to arrest all four of the housemates who were staying with the victim when they were trying to run away from the place and the cause of the incident is still under investigation. The victim- a girl came from Beijing and she was found dead with no identification and no documents which led to a mystery. Okay, I sound like a CSI co-star now. But whatever it is or for whatever reason it happened, I hope the case will be investigated with justice because we Malaysians don't want our mother country to be blamed for any reason or doubt of the trials and may she rest in peace.

May 12, 2009

Handle With Care

It's May 12th and I'm just starting the first post of the month in the second week. I was enjoying the first week of May with my part-time tutoring and observing primary and pre-school kids in a tuition centre nearby and I realised how much I enjoy being a specialist in the language even it is true that my brain is still shocked after a few months of not-practising-what-I-learned period. I was getting better with my cough and bronchitis symptoms but I got sick since last week suffering from high fever and flu and I was pretty conscious that I have not- at all means as far as I can remember- eaten pork or worn pig skin-based clothing or anything to do with the creature (eh,can I get infected by looking at the pig coin boxes too??) . So I am totally free from the infectious swine flu that has been killing people in the States.

I was going to write earlier but before I could even get rid of the fever, my throat started to sore and it really hurts even to take a sip of warm water. To make it worse or I shall say this as one of my bad hair day or bad luck or BS happened ; my right shoulder got twisted from an unintentional act while playing around with someone I called mi nobio (he's lucky I still call him that until this very moment after the incident). He was trying to lift me up when he totally forgot that I had been hit by a car five years ago and my car crashed so bad that I had to wear neck collar for two and a half months and my right side of the body was stiff and my right nerve and bones were injected with steroids which after the dose vanished, it weakened the main nerve on my right hand and it hurts every time it rains or when it's cold at night or when I try to carry heavy stuff. I really did get mad for quite some time and regret for being so fragile but he really knew how to make it up. But still- I believe in human rights and every human being should be treated fairly and it's a big NO for domestic violence. I think I make him sound so guilty hehehe.

It has been a few days since I got injured and I could not even use the right hand and you know how it gets really crazy when you cannot use it for the most essential and extremely sensitive ability that you have - to eat! Hell yes, I have been using my left hand during meals but it feels so wrong..always does when you were brought up knowing that your right side is good and your left side is bad..your right hand shall be used for good things and the left hand is like your co-star in a movie which is slightly important and cannot be taken for granted but not to be exposed so much. Oh, I sound so bimbo! But I am really grateful to the Almighty for blessing me with two perfect hands with ten fingers and I am considered healthy - if there is no -never- people who smoke in public and those who are still filling each and every millimeter of the air with pollution. They won't bother about it unless they get to feel what it's like to be deadly sick from other people's faults. Okay, I know I sound more like a witch who is throwing a spell hahaha.. I guess I better stop typing now before my fingers get burned; oh,yes I'm typing with my left hand with a little help from my right and it doesn't really feel good with another extra sorethroat. I'll update the blog later when I get better. Til' then, have a nice day and remember to cherish all the time you have and spend it wisely because you'll never know what's coming. Have a nice day!

Apr 24, 2009

Play The Game Or Walk Away

As always, I'm still awake after a few trials of counting the sheep failed. I don't really have much to do at this time as I don't want to wake my workaholic sister and my exhausted dad from their dreams. Plus, I don't want to wake the lazy-fat-bump persian cat which is sleeping upside down on the stairs in his cage. He slept like a dead cat suffocated from over-eating. I really don't have anything to write but I wanted to post a meaningful lyrics of a song that I've been listening to over and over again. It's not a new song but it suddenly lingers in my head every time I try to shut my eyes down before any dream appears..

I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to
get upset and cry
Cos I never leave
my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn't mean a thing

Did it happen when we first kissed
Cause it's hurting m
e to let it go
Maybe cause we spent so much time
And I know that it's no more
I should have never
let you hold me baby
Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart
I didn't give to you
on purpose
Gotta figure out ho
w you stole my heart

My mind is gone, I'm spinning round
And deep inside my tears I'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm in this condition
And I've got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

('Cry' sung by Rihanna)

Apr 23, 2009

Dust It Off

Rain falls every day in the evening
But it doesn't stop the sun from burning
The clouds are no more that appealing
In the world that is no longer green

People seem to be rushing
Trying to survive from starving
In some parts of the world humans are fighting
For what they have not seem to be getting

In every corner there is no place to be hiding
From the little faults that we are doing
Children play around with no clean air
to breathe in
Are these the ways to make the world a better place to live in?

('Dust It Off' by Marquise de Ville, April 2009)

Apr 15, 2009

Inhaling Your Sin

I'm back online to let everyone know I'm such a hardcore party-animal that I'm still awake even after eating the whole plate of rice, I'm kidding! I can't sleep. I've been having trouble sleeping even when my whole body hurts and desperately need some rest because of my heavy cough which starts working whenever I try to lay my head and it is killing me! It didn't bother when I was out shopping with my siblings today and that is really weird. I hate it when I'm sick but I hate it more to be coughing non-stop like I play the role as Benjamin I've been a heavy smoker since I was a baby when the truth is that I am a passive smoker who gets the unnecessary exposure of tobacco smoke and risk of having lung cancer from people around including those who claimed they love me.. like hello, when will you people learn..the day I die from smokers' fault? Duh!

I thought of ending this post here but I still can't get rid of this cough and I think I better continue typing as it will at least keep my mind away for a while. But I still hate smokers! I live for 23 years and I still can't figure out why people are willing to waste their effort and money just
for the sake of killing themselves slowly. Okay it's all about stress and problems at work or family and stuff..but will that be gone after a box? Hell no! And people are promoting going green and keeping the environment safe and practice recycle and things like that but excuse me, do they even think about the content? Why don't they smokers go and consume pure nicotine and all the carcinogens as their daily meal without eating real food? At least they can cut the food consumption and save that to others who live in poverty and those who really need food.

I'm talking about real life situation here. Okay, let's make a point here..smokers spend at least RM6-RM9 for a box of ciggies (excluding their petrol to get to the shop and time they waste and the effort) and sometimes these life-fighters seem to be very concern about the money or miles they have to spend to get great meals or real food to live. That's one. Another scenario about these hard-working people is that they think they work so hard that they deserve to spend so much on great food and also..ciggarettes..which means they eat healthy food to live happily and have a good lifestyle but at the same time they spend another amount of money for the ciggies.. I suggest them to just buy one sharp knife
which will only cost them half the price to kill themselves! At least they won't be a burden for their loved ones when they fall sick or getting cancer because of their own fault. Do they even think about the hospital bills later? And it's even worse if their family or friends have to pay for their indiscretion.

I bet they go for the ciggies than choosing the bread

Talking about these big-headed-self-centered people really boils my blood up to my head and I don't want to be having another sickness or migraine. I'm sick of watching people ingnoring babies or children around them by holding on to their smoking expensive sticks on the streets without knowing the risk that they're giving. I'm sick and tired of the long-term exposure of smoke and breathing myself to die. Whatever it is, we non-smokers really don't need anything from you 'cancer-finder' or 'cancer-giver'..and that means we really don't NEED your 'contribution'. People don't deserve to be treated like that because for your attention smokers.. you don't have the right to cut others' lives short.

Mar 21, 2009

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Another Saturday night appears and I am at home still suffering from my monthly freaking pain that comes during my menses time and after years it still kills me like I was going to die any moment it strikes. I hate being sick...alone. But yeah, what do I expect others to do? To feel the pain? I wish! I guess I was born to be a lone ranger and I am glad that I don't need anybody to do things for me. I love the way I am..daddy taught me enough about doing things by myself and I can do what a man can do to live on my own. Oh, yes..I'm not telling a story about my painful endometriosis sickness here, I am posting another piece of my writing which I wrote two days was great to just sit at home when ideas come hehe.. so here it is..

He was really funny
She was totally crazy
He liked
having tea
She was ob
sessed with coffee
He was playful

She played mature
He claimed to
be loyal
She wasn't sure if
He wasn't a player

Because she was a swinger
He loved the rainbow
She preferred
the thunder
He dressed in bright colours
he was comfortable in pastels
He loved the smell o
f flowers
She was into cactus
He liked to pamper cats
was never good to animals
was always calm
She often
got tensed
He was full of patience
She usually
went mad
He confessed he liked her
She refused a
nd told it was crap
He tried to
convince her
She did everything for him to give up
But no matter how awkward it was
How different they were
They both couldn't get any better
If one of them weren't there for each other

Mar 20, 2009

He left a scar across your heart
I understand girl
Don't let his wrongs
Tear us apart
Girl I'm your man
Just because he did
you swear I'm cheating
You think I just don't care
What must I do die
For another misery
And it's killing me girl knowing
You compare me to him
Always guilty before the sin
I can't win,
No I can't win
I'll do anything to prove I love you
Baby girl but I refuse to
pay for something I didn't do
I love you
But I refuse to stay...
Paying for his mistakes

Mar 12, 2009

Can't Keep Forgiving

It felt a little bit uneasy to update the blog on the same day with the same date in a few minutes, but who's my personal page anyway! Just now I thought that I couldn't finish my poem but my fingers couldn't stop from working on the keyboard. So here how it goes..

I held you close

I kept you warm
I lifted you up
When you were down

I made you safe
I lightened up the day
To stop the bleeding
And fear from your way

But then you betrayed
You took it for granted
It wasn't thanks that I hoped for
Neither apologies that I wanted

I have never been so untrue
And I want you to know the truth
That I just can't keep forgiving you
For all that you've put me through

('Can't Keep Forgiving' by Marquise de Ville, 2009)

Just Another Fine Evening

Hello, everyone! It's 3am in the morning and it's the second week of March. I just realised that I haven't updated my blog for quite a while since my previous one. I just didn't have the right mood and I didn't have anything interesting to be shared. I was busy spending the time with my family, but I managed to sneak out for a salsa night with my brother and a few friends hehe.. it was a blast and It was a bit awkward as I hadn't been doing the dance for quite some time and I felt like a freak watching others' moves better. And plus, the muchachaz from Colombia were so drooling-ly hot and it makes me confused about my orientation for a few moments! I think I have to start working out to get the 'salsa abs' like the old times hahaha..

Oh, yes.. I just came back from watching Marley & Me starring Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson in Pavilion and it was a good movie. It was flat in the beginning but it was a motivational one and it nearly got me thinking about starting a family LOL (I don't even have a job!). I'm really impressed of how a dog can really change people's lives and how it teaches you to be patient and strong to handle things before you can get serious with your life. I guess I have to learn to take care of a pet so that I will learn to decide about my life goals later (I know I won't even remember about this when I wake up tomorrow). One of the best things about the movie is that Owen acted so well in the movie that it makes him a really different role from his previous hilarious characters that he played in other movies. And the dog! Yes, the name is Marley and he was such an amazing but pain-in-the-ass dog which makes everything in the movie went so well from gloomy to histerically funny.

Well, that makes a fine evening for me and I guess this is all for now. I'll update the blog later because I am trying to finish writing another poem since I haven't added a new one. I have to continue the poem before the inspiration goes away and before my eyes shut themselves down and wake up in another blurry boring day tomorrow. Til' then, enjoy reading!

Feb 26, 2009

What Do I Do

It's 1.46am in the morning and I am still sisters are all here at home and they're sleeping like babies. We had a great day with mummy and everyone around. We haven't been spending time together for a while, so I guess they are all tired from shopping and talking about everything non-stop. I'm glad that my sisters are still my best friends that I could never replace with anything in this world.

I had a good week and I finished reading Swan Adamson's book in three days. I had a good time with friends but I guess I was having a hard time accepting new relationships..and I was thinking lot. I don't usually tell anyone about what I personally feel about myself or my feelings, so I wrote them down without wanting to know the answers.

What do I do..
When the sun stops shining?
When the stars stop sparkling?
When the rain stops pouring?

What do I do..
When the wind stops blowing?
When the river stops flowing?
When the flowers stop blooming?

What do I do..
When the lights go out?
When the skies turn dark?
When the love life gets hard...?

Feb 18, 2009

Begging Not to Break Apart

I wasn't in the mood to write anything lately and I've been trying to deal with the atmosphere fairly, but I got tensed and confused psychologically. Fortunately I am still alive and still secure..and I'm not going insane thinking about all the small things happened in life. I was lost in confusion, and I'm glad that it inspired me to write again...

They called me lovely
They called me miss pretty
They said that I'm crazy
That I love being naughty

They look at me like I'm a swinger
In their mind I'm a fabulous player
They think that I'm a heart-breaker
That I'll always be one now till forever

They never know that I have always tried
All my best to be everyone's sweetheart
And deep down inside I silently cried
Begging for my soul not to break apart

('Breaking Apart' by Marquise de Ville, Feb 2009)

Feb 10, 2009

Knocked Off By Daddy

It's 1am in the morning and I just got into the bedroom to get online before counting the sheep. Daddy was using the PC while I watched The Grammy's and I just loved this year's award. Most of all the presenters and performers rocked the night out. I have always loved Boyz II Men and they worked it with Justin Timberlake and Al Green. Jennifer Hudson was also great and her voice really blew me away. I was impressed with Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus' collaboration. I didn't know that Hannah Montana could sing country songs live on air and I was stunned by Katie Perry's look on the red carpet! Gosh, she really looked kissable with her baby pink lipstick.. yummy!

Nothing interesting happened today as I didn't go anywhere and stayed at home for the rest of the day watching TV. Oh,yes..daddy broke the bed yesterday while I was sleeping because he was so happy trying to wake me up from sleeping in the morning by jumping on the bed! And it's my brother's bed..lucky me! My dad was jumping and rolling on the bed while I was still dreaming and suddenly 'Bang!' and I woke up with my head on the pillow but my body flipped down a bit because the bones (or whatever they call it) that were supposed to support the mattress were cracked..and guess what? My dad just smiled when he saw me awoke and he went out of the room to have breakfast, leaving me subconsciously confused and clueless. Well, my mom helped me fixed it last night before I went to bed and she was begging my dad not to play around with breakable things in the house as he's not that 'fit and slim' like he was before hahahaha..thanks, Mom!

Well, people..I think I need to start counting the sheep to go to sleep since I have to wake up early tomorrow so that daddy won't come into the room trying to wake me with his creative strategies. I don't want to get knocked off in bed one more time. Enjoy reading and have a good day!

Feb 5, 2009

Save It For Another Day

I'm the textbook definition of a rebel
I see the crumble over left and I've gotta go right
I'm always in some trouble
To me life ain't fun unless you're in a good fight
So the more you're good to me
The more I try to get you to leave

All my life I've made excuses
Pushing you away, saying that you're not for me
All my life I ran from you, babe
I tried everything

In the end it was you

All I wanna do is have a good time
Let the beat go through me and just take me away
You've been trying to get with me for a while
And I've been telling you to save that for another day
So the more you're good to me
The more I try to get you to leave

(from 'In The End', sung by Kat De Luna)

This is my second post for the month of Valentine..and I am still sick but I can't force my eyes to sleep for my head is still thinking about this one song from Kat De Luna which meant so much to me (because it really is about 'me'). I've been enjoying my life so much and I've been running from relationships since years as I am so concern about not to get hurt and to break anyone's heart. And I am glad that I have chosen to live my life like this..cherishing every moment with friends and family and never think twice about all the adventures and fun we have together. But lately there's a voice deep inside me whispering about a little feeling that I have far inside my heart which I am not sure what it is all about. It- the voice - keeps on saying that the place that I had long ago closed and sealed for any feelings or relationships is eagerly wanting to be filled with something that I can't even describe..whatever it is, I hope it won't hurt me in any way and I am truly happy and content that I have managed to keep the key to my heart safely in my own hands. Just to let you all know about the inner voice and also my struggling with the feeling..if it has anything to do with the word 'Love' then, I prefer to save it for another day..

Feb 3, 2009

By Your Side

Hello again people! I know I've promised to continue the story of my shopping journey, but I don't really have time to upload and resize all the photos, but I will update about it soon. Just for now, I present you another piece of my free writings that I wrote this morning..

I will hear your cries

I will hold you tight
I will wipe your tears
and I will make it right

I will heal your pain
I will seal your veins
I'll be there when it rains
'cos I never want to see you hurt again

I'll stop your sorrow
I'll replace with light
I promise you a better tomorrow
and I'll always be by your side

('By Your Side' by Marquise de Ville, 2009)

Jan 23, 2009

Shopping Heaven

Hey people! It feels like a long time since I updated my previous post. I had such a great time shopping and chilling in Bandung! I miss the place and I miss everything in the city, unfortunately I spent all the money I had and our train ticket to Jogja was already bought by my cousin. So we had to rush back to Jogjakarta after three days in the shopping heaven. I am definitely going back to Bandung again!!! Seriously, is a real heaven for shopaholics who look for the best quality with the cheapest price. We stayed in Hotel Anggerik in Jalan Riau-where all the great factory outlets are located along the street. The recommended outlets are The Summit, The Secret, Heritage and For Men. There are more stores but those that I listed here have the best clothings that are much more expensive in Malaysia. They have Abercrombie & Fitch, Zara, MNG, FCUK, Arizona USA, Calvin Klein and more. I bought a knitted thigh-length three-quarter sleeves A&F shirt for Rp89,000 which means RM24.oo! Oh, wait! I bought two!! And the weather in Bandung is so breezy. The temperature in the city is 22-24 degree celcius and local people are really nice and soft-spoken. We had no problem with the food as the majority in the city is Sundanese people. I can't upload the photos now because the connection here is really slow and I'm having a problem with my memory card reader. (I'm using my cousin's laptop in her room). Okay, I'll continue later because we're going to shop for Javanese batik for others in the family. Til then, have a nice day!

Jan 16, 2009

Backpacking Bimbo

It's been a while since I posted my last story and poem here. I've been busy with my workout routine and I was trying to write a poem with a happy ending but it was so hard than writing the dark ones.. I guess because sadness and devastation are so difficult to be forgotten in life even though we've moved on. Speaking about moving on in life, I still have two more days before my vacation to Jogjakarta and Bandung on Sunday, but I haven't packed anything yet. Well, it's supposed to be a backpacking vacation, so I think I'll be packing on Sunday morning before I leave..unless I get pushed by my sister and aunt who are so eager and ready with their backpacks and empty luggage bags that they reserve in case we over-shop in Bandung.

Okay, the thing with the vacation is that one: I'm broke and I don't even know if daddy will be so generous to support everything for her unemployed-jobless-spoiled-needy daughter; two: I am
so hygienic and bitchy that I bring my big toiletries bag with my hand sanitizer everywhere I go (backpacking pulak mesti la duk hostel ke motel!); and three: I have daddy's Chinese tongue that can't eat spicy food in which I know Indonesian food are so hot and spicy especially the penyek chicken-thingy. I can't afford to be having tummy ache while traveling by train, and the first class train from Jogjakarta to Bandung only provides seats without beds! Oh, did I mention about the journey? It's an 8-hour train ride and I hope the train doesn't stuck somewhere and take hours to be fixed (mau kematu dibuatnya duduk lama2).

Well, I don't want to worry much now (I'm lying-I'm still so freaked out about the condition of the train and the pickpockets). I have to deal with it no matter what. Dad and Mom won't be around to do thin
gs so I need to focus on my shopping excitement which is still not showing up. Come on, get excited! Duh! My eyes are shutting down now, tired from thinking about my unplanned holiday trip in two days time. This will be my first time being a backpacker even though I've been on road trips and breakaways to the islands before. I hope it will be great like my other vacations. I guess this is all for now. I'll try to update more with my upcoming trip with fun and exciting stories. Til then, thanks for reading =)

(Quarter of my compulsory always-bring-wherever things hehe)

Jan 13, 2009

Lost Without Answers

It's another Tuesday in January. I slept at 3am this m0rning and woke up at 7am to drop my brother at the bus station(he was going to his college) and send my friend to work. I couldn't sleep after that and I was trying to figure out how to stop my mom from nagging about my 'traffic offense' summon which she received today at her 0ffice. By the way, it was the first summon I have ever got since I got my legal license six years ago! Oh yes, I'd been a good responsible driver I rolled on my bed thinking and I suddenly thought about my friend's request on another poem to get her inspired. I couldn't help but writing another sequel to the heart-broken series of poems that I have written. So I continued and this is how it sounds..

It was cold and dry at the same time
It was scary and dark with voices inside
It was a nightmare within sleepy nights
But there was no escape nor to run and hide

It was never in my mind to have the feeling
Of disgrace and dissapointment of you leaving
No matter what I just couldn't help from thinking
And I realised it was too late for my healing

It was a long period of painful trials
To mend the pieces of every shredded parts
I was so lost and deserted without answers
But I've finally survived with no more tears and cries

Jan 12, 2009

Teardrop Falls

I was counting the sheep to force myself to sleep when I suddenly got inspired to write another heart-broken poem. I am so glad that I have tried my very best or the least I can do to be there for my friends who needed me when they live in sorrow. Being a shoulder to cry on makes me realise that we can't always hold heads up high and things happen for some reasons. So there it goes..

Tears are falling when I'm with you
I feel the pain when I hear you
I feel the thunder keeps coming through
And I feel the whirlwind when I see you

Tears are rolling down from my eyes
When I think you'd die I feel alive
Whenever I go I can see your smile
Whatever I do I can never be fine

Tears are drowning myself inside
It hurts me deeply to stay and cry
It breaks my heart as I'm falling apart
But it burns me in and out to say goodbye

('Teardrop Falls' by Marquise de Ville, 2009)

Jan 11, 2009

Never Meant to be Together

"If love was a fire then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light then we'd lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport we're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean maybe we are just the stream
Cos love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way and I'll go mine
Live your life and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well and I'll be fine
Cos we're better off separated.."
(2nd verse of Usher's 'Separated')

I came across this song while I was scrolling my mp3 player and it reminded me of those who never mend their hearts because the person that they love just don't seem to have the same feelings. It's hard to know that the person you love belongs to someone else and it hurts to be rejected, but it's life. Sometimes love means you are willing to let go and set it free. So, people..stop blaming yourself and others. Sometimes you just have to walk away even though it's killing you inside out. Move on and try to accept the fact that you both are never meant to be together..

Jan 10, 2009

Grabbed, Stolen, Crushed

Feeling head over heels with someone you admire is an unforgettable experience but getting too serious about it really cause you severe mental illness and emotional injuries. I've been in a few relationships and I believe that everyone has their own stories in facing the rough time in love affairs. I wrote this so-called poem-of-regret to those who had been heart-broken in relationships and in life; not to remind them of the pain, but for them to be stronger and not giving up their lives after everything that they have been through..

Thought the world was beautiful
Thought the skies were always blue
Thought the sun would keep shining through
But everything changed when there was you

You touched my heart and stole my soul
You grabbed the happiness and replaced with tears
You gave promises and sealed vows
But you crushed my only heart into pieces

It was nothing that I had ever dreamed
As I watched myself dying slowly
I never thought I would be so stupid
To kill myself for the uncertainty...

Jan 8, 2009

Fit and Fabolous With The Desperate Housewife

Waking up in the second week of the beginning month of the new year made me thought about my resolutions which I wasn't sure if I had one. I turned up the pages of the new cute-tiny-sized limited edition CLEO and found the page on health 'Dieting Like A Star' and I forgot about going to bed again (which I always do even after breakfast).

So I texted my golden friends who I'd usually spend my time with inviting them to join me for a walk or a short jog in the park tomorrow and they replied yes. I was so excited to start the next day with my newly-decided resolution of the year; to get fit (I don't know if I can even stand it for a few days after my last jog last few months).

Then when my eyes were so eagerly shutting themselves half-down I got a text message from my sister asking me if I'd want to join her going to her best friend's house in DUA Residency for lunch but they planned on going to the gym and swimming before they cook. I was feeling so great to start my first aim of the year to start working out and get fit. So I changed to my work-out clothes and packed my 2-piece swimsuit while waiting for my sister to fetch me up.

I was happy to visit the host, Regina, a drop-dead-gorgeous housewife who just came back from her Xmas holiday in the UK. She married a successful British oil-and-gas engineer and they are one of the wonderful couples I've ever known. I didn't attend her wedding last year for some unavoidable reasons and I haven't been out shopping and clubbing with her for a while, so I was relieved that I've finally seen her looking prettier and happily married.

Okay so we headed to the gym first and people, I 'climbed up the hill' using the whatever-machine for 35 miles! I ran for 20 minutes on a treadmill and I swear I was sweating like a pig! I haven't worked out for a long time and I loved it that I made some effort to start again. After a 45-minutes workout, we changed to our swimsuits and went swimming in the pool. There were only four of us (Gina, my sister, her friend Alia & me) and two lovely Latin-looking girls with their mamasita chilling on the poolside. I just love the atmosphere.

We swam for half-an hour! Yes, that makes our workout a 75-minute glorious moment of our lives hahaha..We went up to the condo and got into shower to get ready preparing the ingredients for lasagna. No,no, people..I didn't cook. All I did was helping them to slice the cheese for the sauce. At least I did something (grinning) hehe. Gina cooked extra for her hubby, David and we loved her lasagna! After desserts of seedless grapes, baby tomatoes and strawberries, she sent us down the lobby as we didn't want to take her time because David would be home anytime.

I love everything I did today and I love spending time with the girls again hehehe..and I am so highly-boosted now that I feel so fabulous and I am ready to continue with my w
orkout regime..I can do it! And before I fell asleep from the tiring run, I attached some of the photos of the gym, the pool and Gina's condo..oh, not to forget the delicious lasagna which I snapped during my wonderful day in the simple-but-magnificient-contemporary-in-town neighbourhood of DUA Residency:

To those who haven't sure what their New Year resolutions are, explore things and try to be happy being yourself because when you're optimistic and feeling energised, you'll be surprised on how interesting your life can be. =)