Brother Turns Twenty

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Don't be sad if you're lonely
Cos even when nobody's around
We always want you to be happy

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Friends come and people stray
But don't let things come in your way
Cos we will always be there to stay

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Don't feel down if things don't work out
Cos even if we're miles apart
We'll be there to sort things out

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Life is cruel and it's not that easy
Learn to appreciate little things
You'll be surprised how wonderful they can be

Hi brother, today you're twenty
If the sun doesn't light your day
Or if it rains heavily on your way
Be grateful that you can see another day

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Smile even when your soul is crying
Even if luck doesn't show up when you're ready
Call my name and I'll there when you need me

Happy Birthday, brother! God bless you!

Love, Kisses and Hugs

Show Me Love

It's the month of my birthday and my brother's, my boyfriend's and his brother's, my aunt's and her husband's, my cousins', and obviously for those who were born in the glorious November. But I am not writing about my or their becoming birthday, but to share a memory with you people, I graduated a few days ago. I mean the graduation ceremony was held on 31st October and I was so busy to write about anything since the ceremony made it compulsory for me to travel a few days to settle things up and I had to pack all the things in my room and the house because we were moving out (to the next block, fortunately).

Well, there was nothing extraordinary about my graduation as everyone who completed studies will have the chance to experience it with the presence of their beloved people. As for me, I had four invitation cards but I only took two as only two of my family members were coming, my dad and my little brother. My mom had to go outstation for work and my sisters were busy with their meetings with clients. My boyfriend could not make it because he was busy studying for his coming final exams. I did not feel unhappy as I was grateful enough to have my dad to drive me to the rehearsal and the actual ceremony even when he had to take a few days leave from his important work. If I had to drive myself alone to the graduation, then that is pathetic. I would be screaming and crying all the way to college if nobody could come.

The rehearsal was on Friday and we had to be there by 9 am, so my dad woke me up really early and we only had some hot drinks. Daddy had his hot tea and he asked me to eat something but I only had my coffee because I was so sleepy and I thought we would have breakfast after the rehearsal or when we had a break later. So the rehearsal was only a short briefing to explain about the actual ceremony and what to do and how. Daddy waited for me outside and the briefing ended before 11am. This was the first time he had ever come to send me to college. I drove by myself alone when I first registered as a student in the college. My parents were so busy with work and all of my siblings are used to doing things by ourselves. When I got out from the hall, I was sweating because it was really hot outside and I drank a bottle of 100 plus to cool down. Daddy was telling me to stop drinking the isotonic drink because it might make my gastric worse as I had not eaten anything from morning, but I said it would be okay.

So we decided to have brunch somewhere in Damansara to kill the time as we were going to fetch my brother in the station later. So daddy was telling me about a father who was also waiting for his daughter during the rehearsal and I was laughing to his story. I laughed but my mind was so not in its place and I was feeling dizzy. I thought, 'maybe it was just the heat'. But when daddy stopped the car at the traffic light in front of One Utama, my hand was pulling a plastic bag under the car seat and I opened it up to cover my mouth with it.

I wasn't really sure what I was doing and my dad was looking at me curiously and he asked me why. As I was just opening my mouth to say something to him, I suddenly threw out bubbles and coffee in the plastic bag. My dad was so shocked and he asked me to show him an air-conditioned place to eat, so I just pointed my hand to The Curve with my mouth still throwing out only bubble from the isotonic drink. Daddy drove really fast and he was babbling about how many times he asked me not to skip breakfast and not to drink coffee or carbonated drinks without eating.

When we got out from the car, I threw the plastic bag away and I told him I was okay but daddy was still worried. He was holding me because he was afraid I might be fainted. I had to eat the whole plate of rice even when I couldn't finish it. My dad was really treating me like I was still a little girl when he insisted me to eat all the rice and chicken and finish up the drinks so that I would not get worse. After eating and drinking green tea, I felt relieved and I didn't feel like throwing up again. So daddy suggested to go window shopping in IKEA. I was glad that he was happy looking at all the pretty furnitures after making him worried for my unintentional carelessness. It had been a while since I saw him smiling for things that he did for himself. He was always doing things for others and it felt really great to see him enjoying the very limited time for himself.

When we got home after fetching my brother, my dad was telling everyone in the house about me throwing up in the car because I didn't want to have breakfast. Everyone was laughing but I knew that he was really worried about me and he really wanted me to be in a bed of roses, especially on my graduation day. My brother and sisters were laughing when he was babbling because that showed how much he cares for his children. He might get a little sarcastic sometimes, but he's the best man in the whole universe.

Well, that was on the rehearsal day. I really want to tell you guys what happened during my graduation but it is now almost 3 am in the morning and I had to wake up early tomorrow because I have work to do so I'll continue once I settled things up.

"A father doesn't tell you that he loves you.

He shows you."

Sometimes, Always, Perhaps

Is there a perfect love? People questioned.

It happens once in a while, a few said.

Perhaps it does to lucky ones, some thought.

But there is always a perfect lie, everyone agreed.

Night So Cold

Woke up at four
Checked out the inbox
Received a few messages
His name wasn't included

Sighed

Tried to get back to sleep
Both eyes closed
Mind still wide awake
His images couldn't be ignored

Eyes opened

Unlocked the keypad
Upper and lower lips pouted
Started texting
But kept deleting

Text message cancelled

It showed
Thou both hearts desired
But blocked with ego
Nights turned out really cold..


('Cold' by Marquise de Ville, September 2009)

Cuisin' Over The Weekend

I cooked! Yes, I did! I know, I know it sounds like a wonder that happens after a wish over a meteor if it is not upon a star. Well, the fasting month has been flying really fast that I haven't noticed that it's coming to its end this weekend. I haven't even got my self a new kebaya or baju kurung for Eid this year. I was busy with the writing workshops and reading a few books on psychology and not to forget, playing the games in facebook while waiting for sahur and iftar. It helps, you know, to kill the time but it is really haunting me every time I am about to turn the lappie off. It's like getting a whisper from the laptop telling me to touch the touchpad and click on the application, which - has made me a professional keyboardist in Rock Legend application even after playing it for just two days!

I was online non-stop and it was making me too lazy to go out and get myself something to eat or do, so last few days I had been cooking myself and it really freaked me out that I no longer have two left hands anymore. I am so impressed with myself. I am loving myself day by day now. I can cook, like really! Oh, well.. it was just spicy mackerel fish with some oriental taste I'd added on, noodles with vegetable soup and shark fins soup! Uhuh! Yes, I made shark fins soup for myself who was alone at home and I felt so much like a lazy bump with a killer appetite like a princess or more like a spoiled brat. But it felt so good to be making myself all the meals that are healthy but not-so-easy. And I started to like cooking now since I have really improved. I am going to get myself some cooking recipes from my aunts and my mum and some kitchen tools!

So last weekend I went to Malacca to spend some quality time with my other half as he was busy with his studies and he couldn't come back to KL. I decided to go and see him and guess what happened when I got there? We spent time arguing about how we were spoiling the time as we were both fasting and didn't know where to break fast and I as an all-time stubborn daddy's little girl were so pissed off as I was not familiar with the place at all so I was nagging for hours about how unthoughtful he was to be spending the time arguing with me after all the hardship I went through to see him (I was exaggerating, it was only a painless hassle-free two-hour journey to Malacca). He looked so angry but he tried to calm himself down and I know he tried his best not to show his temper because I had been like a granny who was nagging non-stop. After the breakfast, he took me to a shopping mall and asked me to stay in the car because he wanted to get something for the housemate but as always- I refused. I wanted to use the washroom so I followed him to the mall. He said he would wait outside and I was still nagging about how bad the condition of the toilets were the last time I went there.

When I got out from the washroom, I hit my knee to the main door which was as heavy-to-be-pushed as a gas tank in my kitchen and my knee was bruised. Again, I nagged about it until we got ourselves in the car but to my surprise, he presented me a small beautiful bouquet of a red and a whote rose with a glittering purple heart wrapped gorgeously in blue and white plastic wrapper with a lime and yellow colour of ribbon at the bottom. He said he didn't know about the significance about the colours or how many flowers represent what but he told me that he chose the bouquet because the red rose means for how wonderful I was to be the love of his life, the white rose refers to me who has been the best friend and his shoulder to cry on and the purple heart means his heart that is already mine and forever will be.


I was speechless (yes, I stopped all the naggings with my mouth opened widely). It was my first time getting a bouquet from him and it was the first time I received flowers in the year 2009. Although roses are not my type, but the fact that he was so thoughtful and romantic stunned me. I was tired and my knee was bruised in blue, but everything seemed to disappear when he gave the bouquet. He smiled to see how blurry and surprised I looked and he invited me for a walk around town. I kept the flowers in the car and we walked. He took me to the jetty and bought tickets to ride in the river cruise. I was smiling non-stop as it was another romantic thought that I wasn't even expecting from him. It was a lovely night riding in the cruise for almost an hour. It wasn't about the scenery or the songs played on the cruise, but it was the time and moment spent with your other half. I don't need to be pampered with fancy expensive things, I just love how simple surprises from my loved ones touched my heart. I was glad that I made the effort to go and see him during the weekend after all the times that he spent to come over every time he was free to see me. I was happy and when I think about it every now and then, I just can't describe how delightful my life has been.

Two Feels Like Three

A friend called me up to talk about her guy which was one of the favourite boyfriends in our circle. He was always a romantic good-looking guy with a sense of humour that never failed to catch people's attention. They were a great couple as we friends could see and they looked so good with each other. After eight months of going strong in the relationship, the boyfriend became a bit blurry than usual and everything she did didn't catch his attention anymore. He preferred to stay quiet, became a loner and did things on his own - which - weren't really productive for himself and obviously the relationship. He did unusual things like buying daisies for the house even if he knew that she preferred roses. He started drinking juices every morning after a few years of starting the day with their favourite black coffee. He started listening to sad songs and he didn't laugh like he used to everytime he turned his favourite dance tunes on. She felt weird. She thought he might be having problems in his work or financial as he didn't really has a close relationship with his family ever since he graduated and led his own life. She tried to talk to him but when she asked he just smiled and said that he was okay. She thought 'maybe he just needs his own space' and she never asked the same thing again.

When their relationship was turning to its first year, when she started discussing about marriage, he became like a freak. He didn't go out he didn't go to work and never wanted to see anyone. He did and said things to her like he was talking to someone else. She was so worried that he might has some kind of critical disease or severe internal bleeding or whatever but again, when she asked, his smile never felt like the same beautiful smile that he had before and she could see something else in his eyes which used to show only images of her and the moments they spent together. The eyes were telling her about something else - something she never thought would ever come between the two of them. He was doing everything that his ex-girlfriend loved and he changed because he realised that she could never come back in his life again.

I was confused for a while but my friend finally told me that he lost his previous girlfriend in a car accident two years before they met. He was about to take her to a candle-light dinner where he planned to propose her and they were hit by a truck before they got to the place, which means before he had the chance to tell her that he wanted her to be the one in his life forever. He survived but she died. He moved on and carried on with his life two yeas after but maybe he suddenly realised that it was all his fault and he was trying to get her back ignoring that he was already blessed with the current girlfriend who loved him with all her heart and didn't care about his history.

I was stunned as I finished my third cup of coffee and I was speechless. I thought maybe he turned like that because he was afraid of losing her like his previous girl, but he didn't realise that he was losing her instead of trying to save her from what he was afraid of. I didn't know what to say because all I could see in the girl's eyes were hopes that turning into ashes and painful heartbreak that couldn't stop bleeding and I knew from the moment she said she couldn't take it - fighting with someone she can't see - she really meant it. And back at home I thought about how complicated the story was and I couldn't find any answer because I might not have the same memory that I have now if the life line is different. I am so blessed that history builds a better life for me to cherish what I have today.

Footsteps on the stairs
Nobody there
I feel like there's someone watching me
Shadows on the wall
Whispers down the hall
But when I look there's nothing to see
You say that you let her go
You turned the page and closed the door
I can't get inside your head
Cause when I try she's there instead

You say that she's gone
That you've moved on
So why do I feel her eyes on me
Can invisible chains keep us in pain
Won't you please tell her set you free
Sometimes when you look past me
your eyes see someone I can't see
So I'm giving up this war
Cause I can't fight it anymore

I can't compete with a memory
How can I fight with someone that I can't see
There's two of us but it feels like three
I wish her ghost would just let us be
Boy you're everything I ever wanted
But I gotta let you go
cause this love is haunted

('Haunted' by Rihanna)

Holding On

The fasting month is around the corner and the time flies really fast that I haven't noticed that it is already August. It's the end of the summer season. Eid will be in September and my convocation is rumoured to be in October or early November. And we've booked the tickets to London after my birthday in November. There goes my schedule for the rest of the year.

Well, I was watching the TV before I started typing this post. The fast-spreading influenza flu is really hitting every headlines in the news these days and I am so afraid to go out from the house even to the nearest 7-eleven store. The virus kills people in a few days and I figure I am still not ready to be diagnosed with the disgusting flu that originated from pigs! I am so relieved to think that I haven't applied any teaching posts in any school because the virus spreads so fast in schools and public places. I feel sorry for the kids and teachers. The government really has to do something...now! You don't have to wait for everyone in the same place to die from the flu before you close it or take any action. Hopefully they know what to do.

I don't really have much to share this time but I found my old pendrive in my old bag that was used during my foundation year and one of my favourite songs are still in there. I remember singing to the song over and over but it didn't really matter as I was super-single and available and I was still a girl who loved to play around and enjoyed partying and outings and stuff. But when I played the song just now, it really made me think about myself. Will I always be there for whoever that needs me around? And will they be there when I need them the most? Well, life is what it is. It can never be perfect but we can always try to make it beautiful and stick together for because sometimes what matters most is to be there when you are needed..

Will I always be there for you?

When you need someone

Will I be that one you need?

Will I do all my best to, to protect you?

When the tears get near your eyes

Will I be the one that's by your side?

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?

Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?

I promise, I promise I will

Will I take tender tender care of you?

Take your darkest night and make it bright for you

Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?

When this world has turned so cold

Will I be the one that's there to hold?

And I love you more every day

And nothing will take that love away

When you need someone

I promise I'll be there for you

('I Promise" by Stacie Orrico)