Two Feels Like Three

A friend called me up to talk about her guy which was one of the favourite boyfriends in our circle. He was always a romantic good-looking guy with a sense of humour that never failed to catch people's attention. They were a great couple as we friends could see and they looked so good with each other. After eight months of going strong in the relationship, the boyfriend became a bit blurry than usual and everything she did didn't catch his attention anymore. He preferred to stay quiet, became a loner and did things on his own - which - weren't really productive for himself and obviously the relationship. He did unusual things like buying daisies for the house even if he knew that she preferred roses. He started drinking juices every morning after a few years of starting the day with their favourite black coffee. He started listening to sad songs and he didn't laugh like he used to everytime he turned his favourite dance tunes on. She felt weird. She thought he might be having problems in his work or financial as he didn't really has a close relationship with his family ever since he graduated and led his own life. She tried to talk to him but when she asked he just smiled and said that he was okay. She thought 'maybe he just needs his own space' and she never asked the same thing again.

When their relationship was turning to its first year, when she started discussing about marriage, he became like a freak. He didn't go out he didn't go to work and never wanted to see anyone. He did and said things to her like he was talking to someone else. She was so worried that he might has some kind of critical disease or severe internal bleeding or whatever but again, when she asked, his smile never felt like the same beautiful smile that he had before and she could see something else in his eyes which used to show only images of her and the moments they spent together. The eyes were telling her about something else - something she never thought would ever come between the two of them. He was doing everything that his ex-girlfriend loved and he changed because he realised that she could never come back in his life again.

I was confused for a while but my friend finally told me that he lost his previous girlfriend in a car accident two years before they met. He was about to take her to a candle-light dinner where he planned to propose her and they were hit by a truck before they got to the place, which means before he had the chance to tell her that he wanted her to be the one in his life forever. He survived but she died. He moved on and carried on with his life two yeas after but maybe he suddenly realised that it was all his fault and he was trying to get her back ignoring that he was already blessed with the current girlfriend who loved him with all her heart and didn't care about his history.

I was stunned as I finished my third cup of coffee and I was speechless. I thought maybe he turned like that because he was afraid of losing her like his previous girl, but he didn't realise that he was losing her instead of trying to save her from what he was afraid of. I didn't know what to say because all I could see in the girl's eyes were hopes that turning into ashes and painful heartbreak that couldn't stop bleeding and I knew from the moment she said she couldn't take it - fighting with someone she can't see - she really meant it. And back at home I thought about how complicated the story was and I couldn't find any answer because I might not have the same memory that I have now if the life line is different. I am so blessed that history builds a better life for me to cherish what I have today.

Footsteps on the stairs
Nobody there
I feel like there's someone watching me
Shadows on the wall
Whispers down the hall
But when I look there's nothing to see
You say that you let her go
You turned the page and closed the door
I can't get inside your head
Cause when I try she's there instead

You say that she's gone
That you've moved on
So why do I feel her eyes on me
Can invisible chains keep us in pain
Won't you please tell her set you free
Sometimes when you look past me
your eyes see someone I can't see
So I'm giving up this war
Cause I can't fight it anymore

I can't compete with a memory
How can I fight with someone that I can't see
There's two of us but it feels like three
I wish her ghost would just let us be
Boy you're everything I ever wanted
But I gotta let you go
cause this love is haunted

('Haunted' by Rihanna)

Holding On

The fasting month is around the corner and the time flies really fast that I haven't noticed that it is already August. It's the end of the summer season. Eid will be in September and my convocation is rumoured to be in October or early November. And we've booked the tickets to London after my birthday in November. There goes my schedule for the rest of the year.

Well, I was watching the TV before I started typing this post. The fast-spreading influenza flu is really hitting every headlines in the news these days and I am so afraid to go out from the house even to the nearest 7-eleven store. The virus kills people in a few days and I figure I am still not ready to be diagnosed with the disgusting flu that originated from pigs! I am so relieved to think that I haven't applied any teaching posts in any school because the virus spreads so fast in schools and public places. I feel sorry for the kids and teachers. The government really has to do something...now! You don't have to wait for everyone in the same place to die from the flu before you close it or take any action. Hopefully they know what to do.

I don't really have much to share this time but I found my old pendrive in my old bag that was used during my foundation year and one of my favourite songs are still in there. I remember singing to the song over and over but it didn't really matter as I was super-single and available and I was still a girl who loved to play around and enjoyed partying and outings and stuff. But when I played the song just now, it really made me think about myself. Will I always be there for whoever that needs me around? And will they be there when I need them the most? Well, life is what it is. It can never be perfect but we can always try to make it beautiful and stick together for because sometimes what matters most is to be there when you are needed..

Will I always be there for you?

When you need someone

Will I be that one you need?

Will I do all my best to, to protect you?

When the tears get near your eyes

Will I be the one that's by your side?

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?

Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?

I promise, I promise I will

Will I take tender tender care of you?

Take your darkest night and make it bright for you

Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?

When this world has turned so cold

Will I be the one that's there to hold?

And I love you more every day

And nothing will take that love away

When you need someone

I promise I'll be there for you

('I Promise" by Stacie Orrico)

Too Late To Escape

In every corner of the world music fans are still crying in sorrow. All the daily news are reporting about the unanswered tragic death of the King of Pop. As for me, this few days of holiday miles apart from my other half makes me think of how to survive when it hurts to be missing the moments spent since the year started. I am myself confused with many questions in my head about my future plans, my job, my family and my distance relationship. The first few days staying apart really killed and it doesn't sound promising to be living happily for the days or months to come. But that's the fact that we have to face and I am really concern about the change of behaviour and mood swing that I am facing at the moment. People might say the tougher the challenge is, the stronger your love will be. But I can't help from thinking how are you going to be tough or strong without your other half around and how are you going to be okay if he or she cannot make it when you need him or her to be there through thick and thin? It's not that I don't try to make it work or fix it, the more I try the more it hurts because nobody enjoys the journey alone. When I tried to convince myself that I can do everything by myself, I realised that there is nothing that I want to do than being stuck with him and the bond is already too strong to be broken. And no matter how deep I get hurt or how far I get lost in my own world, I won't give it up. How am I going to do about it? I guess I can't never get the answer because I do- with all my heart...love him.

Don't know how we got this far
So attached now and this gets me
Like a thief you stole my heart
And I fallen in love so unfairly
Boy I hate that my
World revolves around you
And I hate my heart
Cause it hurts without you

Why, why am I so lost in you?
And I don't even know me anymore
Why, I don't know why I'm so confused
Cause I'm hating that I love you this much boy
I'm Confused

You gave me goosebumps, every time
My heart skips a beat when you touch me
I'm so mesmerized
Who told you, you could be mine?
I'm mad at you for this nice surprise

I think I hate you, yes I hate you
Wait, I love you, I love you
I'm really so confused,
I love you, yes I do

('Love Confusion' by Kat DeLuna)

Far Apart

June is almost over and I just noticed that I haven't updated my blog for over a month! I was pretty busy being an unofficial planner for my boyfriend's brother for his engagement ceremony. They asked me to help them out with the decoration for all the gifts that they were going to give to the bride-to-be which we called hantaran here in Malaysia. It was a pretty busy time for me as I was juggling work and time to be spent with my boyfriend before he starts his semester hundred miles away next month. His family invited me to the engagement ceremony and I had a great time doing all the last-minute touch-ups to the gifts and decorations together with the family. We had a good time going to the beach and spent every minute we had with jokes and conversations and I felt relieved that they are really nice and welcoming. The event went pretty well and our hantaran really stunned everyone in the house, so I guess my friends and family were right when they told me that I should be a wedding planner and start a real business. Well, I'll think about it.

The ring was placed around the bird's head

(That was not the real ring, we were trying it out)

All the five beautifully decorated presents from our side
(From top right: Silk, Chocolate Cake, Fruits and
on the left from top: Tepak sireh and The Engagement Ring)

Oh, I was so freaking happy when my girlfriends called me up to stay at my place so that we could watch a movie together and we were so like 'Spice Girls' going out watching Hannah Montana The Movie in Cineleisure. I drove with a CD of Britney Spears' songs played in my CD player with my girlfriends singing along and we were heading to watch Miley Cyrus in action! We were so happy to be like the stars in Gossip Girl or Crossroads (and I swear my boyfriend will hate me if he saw me with that girly attitude) hahaha..

Well, the movie was really good. Although it was a simple movie with a simple story line, it really inspires and motivates those with hopes and dreams. As for me, it really touched my heart to see how people sacrifice everything they have to achieve something that they are not sure if they can have it, but at least they try and they never give it up until they get what they want. And that thought makes me think about my future plans..which..I can't really describe here..yet.

Before I forget, there were a lot of news breaking up in the media lately and the death of the one and only King of Pop really leaves an impact to the whole world. People all over the universe are mourning about the death and I really do feel sad that he died in shock when the world still needs him around. I have always admired his music and dancing since I learned how to read. I love all of his songs and there won't be another Michael Jackson anymore. He will always be there...though far apart..he will always be in our hearts..

Rest In Peace

I am having trouble sleeping..again. It is really hard to continue counting the sheep to fall asleep when you are thinking about an accident happened just a day before at the very same time you are about to fall asleep. I fell asleep earlier yesterday and it was 4am, earlier than this time I am writing. My sister came home before 5am when she woke me up and told me that one of my neighbours who was living in just two doors away from our house committed suicide. We thought the house was empty until police officers and forensics appeared with reporters. The victim jumped out of the balcony or window (we're not really clear about it as we don't want to ask for more or know more about it) from sixteenth floor and her body shattered into pieces. My sister saw her earlier the night before when she went out and she was really shocked to see what happened after she got back. The police managed to arrest all four of the housemates who were staying with the victim when they were trying to run away from the place and the cause of the incident is still under investigation. The victim- a girl came from Beijing and she was found dead with no identification and no documents which led to a mystery. Okay, I sound like a CSI co-star now. But whatever it is or for whatever reason it happened, I hope the case will be investigated with justice because we Malaysians don't want our mother country to be blamed for any reason or doubt of the trials and may she rest in peace.

Handle With Care

It's May 12th and I'm just starting the first post of the month in the second week. I was enjoying the first week of May with my part-time tutoring and observing primary and pre-school kids in a tuition centre nearby and I realised how much I enjoy being a specialist in the language even it is true that my brain is still shocked after a few months of not-practising-what-I-learned period. I was getting better with my cough and bronchitis symptoms but I got sick since last week suffering from high fever and flu and I was pretty conscious that I have not- at all means as far as I can remember- eaten pork or worn pig skin-based clothing or anything to do with the creature (eh,can I get infected by looking at the pig coin boxes too??) . So I am totally free from the infectious swine flu that has been killing people in the States.

I was going to write earlier but before I could even get rid of the fever, my throat started to sore and it really hurts even to take a sip of warm water. To make it worse or I shall say this as one of my bad hair day or bad luck or BS happened ; my right shoulder got twisted from an unintentional act while playing around with someone I called mi nobio (he's lucky I still call him that until this very moment after the incident). He was trying to lift me up when he totally forgot that I had been hit by a car five years ago and my car crashed so bad that I had to wear neck collar for two and a half months and my right side of the body was stiff and my right nerve and bones were injected with steroids which after the dose vanished, it weakened the main nerve on my right hand and it hurts every time it rains or when it's cold at night or when I try to carry heavy stuff. I really did get mad for quite some time and regret for being so fragile but he really knew how to make it up. But still- I believe in human rights and every human being should be treated fairly and it's a big NO for domestic violence. I think I make him sound so guilty hehehe.

It has been a few days since I got injured and I could not even use the right hand and you know how it gets really crazy when you cannot use it for the most essential and extremely sensitive ability that you have - to eat! Hell yes, I have been using my left hand during meals but it feels so wrong..always does when you were brought up knowing that your right side is good and your left side is bad..your right hand shall be used for good things and the left hand is like your co-star in a movie which is slightly important and cannot be taken for granted but not to be exposed so much. Oh, I sound so bimbo! But I am really grateful to the Almighty for blessing me with two perfect hands with ten fingers and I am considered healthy - if there is no -never- people who smoke in public and those who are still filling each and every millimeter of the air with pollution. They won't bother about it unless they get to feel what it's like to be deadly sick from other people's faults. Okay, I know I sound more like a witch who is throwing a spell hahaha.. I guess I better stop typing now before my fingers get burned; oh,yes I'm typing with my left hand with a little help from my right and it doesn't really feel good with another extra sorethroat. I'll update the blog later when I get better. Til' then, have a nice day and remember to cherish all the time you have and spend it wisely because you'll never know what's coming. Have a nice day!

Play The Game Or Walk Away

As always, I'm still awake after a few trials of counting the sheep failed. I don't really have much to do at this time as I don't want to wake my workaholic sister and my exhausted dad from their dreams. Plus, I don't want to wake the lazy-fat-bump persian cat which is sleeping upside down on the stairs in his cage. He slept like a dead cat suffocated from over-eating. I really don't have anything to write but I wanted to post a meaningful lyrics of a song that I've been listening to over and over again. It's not a new song but it suddenly lingers in my head every time I try to shut my eyes down before any dream appears..

I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
Cos I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn't mean a thing

Did it happen when we first kissed
Cause it's hurting me to let it go
Maybe cause we spent so much time
And I know that it's no more
I should have never let you hold me baby
Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart
I didn't give to you on purpose
Gotta figure out how you stole my heart

My mind is gone, I'm spinning round
And deep inside my tears I'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm in this condition
And I've got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

('Cry' sung by Rihanna)