Set It Free

You're everything I thought you never were

Nothing like I thought you could have been

But still you live inside of me

So tell me how is that?

You're the only one I wish I could forget

The only one I love to not forgive

And though you break my heart

You're the only one

You said you've got the most respect for me

But sometimes I feel you're not deserving me

You know there are times that I hate you cause I can't erase

And times that you hurt me put tears on my face

And even now while I hate you it pains me to say

I know I'll be there at the end of the day

Yes, there are times when I hate you but I don't complain

Cause I've been afraid that you would walk away

But now I don't hate you I'm happy to say

That I will be there til the end of the day 

I don't want to be without you

But I don't want a broken heart

Don't want to take a breath without you

I don't want to play that part

I know that I love you but let me just say

I don't want to love you in that kind of way

(Beyonce - "Broken-Hearted Girl)

Though I've been a broken-hearted girl

 The pieces kept coming together

Even when I set my heart free, 

Spread my wings and fly away

I can't seem to get you out of my every inch..

What If I..?

I stood up really confused
Not knowing where to go
Which way to choose
Is the right turn the one to go through
Would the left turn get really smooth
Or what if I'd make the wrong move..?




('What If I' by Marquise de Ville, March 2010)

Show Me Love

It's the month of my birthday and my brother's, my boyfriend's and his brother's, my aunt's and her husband's, my cousins', and obviously for those who were born in the glorious November. But I am not writing about my or their becoming birthday, but to share a memory with you people, I graduated a few days ago. I mean the graduation ceremony was held on 31st October and I was so busy to write about anything since the ceremony made it compulsory for me to travel a few days to settle things up and I had to pack all the things in my room and the house because we were moving out (to the next block, fortunately).

Well, there was nothing extraordinary about my graduation as everyone who completed studies will have the chance to experience it with the presence of their beloved people. As for me, I had four invitation cards but I only took two as only two of my family members were coming, my dad and my little brother. My mom had to go outstation for work and my sisters were busy with their meetings with clients. My boyfriend could not make it because he was busy studying for his coming final exams. I did not feel unhappy as I was grateful enough to have my dad to drive me to the rehearsal and the actual ceremony even when he had to take a few days leave from his important work. If I had to drive myself alone to the graduation, then that is pathetic. I would be screaming and crying all the way to college if nobody could come.

The rehearsal was on Friday and we had to be there by 9 am, so my dad woke me up really early and we only had some hot drinks. Daddy had his hot tea and he asked me to eat something but I only had my coffee because I was so sleepy and I thought we would have breakfast after the rehearsal or when we had a break later. So the rehearsal was only a short briefing to explain about the actual ceremony and what to do and how. Daddy waited for me outside and the briefing ended before 11am. This was the first time he had ever come to send me to college. I drove by myself alone when I first registered as a student in the college. My parents were so busy with work and all of my siblings are used to doing things by ourselves. When I got out from the hall, I was sweating because it was really hot outside and I drank a bottle of 100 plus to cool down. Daddy was telling me to stop drinking the isotonic drink because it might make my gastric worse as I had not eaten anything from morning, but I said it would be okay.

So we decided to have brunch somewhere in Damansara to kill the time as we were going to fetch my brother in the station later. So daddy was telling me about a father who was also waiting for his daughter during the rehearsal and I was laughing to his story. I laughed but my mind was so not in its place and I was feeling dizzy. I thought, 'maybe it was just the heat'. But when daddy stopped the car at the traffic light in front of One Utama, my hand was pulling a plastic bag under the car seat and I opened it up to cover my mouth with it.

I wasn't really sure what I was doing and my dad was looking at me curiously and he asked me why. As I was just opening my mouth to say something to him, I suddenly threw out bubbles and coffee in the plastic bag. My dad was so shocked and he asked me to show him an air-conditioned place to eat, so I just pointed my hand to The Curve with my mouth still throwing out only bubble from the isotonic drink. Daddy drove really fast and he was babbling about how many times he asked me not to skip breakfast and not to drink coffee or carbonated drinks without eating.

When we got out from the car, I threw the plastic bag away and I told him I was okay but daddy was still worried. He was holding me because he was afraid I might be fainted. I had to eat the whole plate of rice even when I couldn't finish it. My dad was really treating me like I was still a little girl when he insisted me to eat all the rice and chicken and finish up the drinks so that I would not get worse. After eating and drinking green tea, I felt relieved and I didn't feel like throwing up again. So daddy suggested to go window shopping in IKEA. I was glad that he was happy looking at all the pretty furnitures after making him worried for my unintentional carelessness. It had been a while since I saw him smiling for things that he did for himself. He was always doing things for others and it felt really great to see him enjoying the very limited time for himself.

When we got home after fetching my brother, my dad was telling everyone in the house about me throwing up in the car because I didn't want to have breakfast. Everyone was laughing but I knew that he was really worried about me and he really wanted me to be in a bed of roses, especially on my graduation day. My brother and sisters were laughing when he was babbling because that showed how much he cares for his children. He might get a little sarcastic sometimes, but he's the best man in the whole universe.

Well, that was on the rehearsal day. I really want to tell you guys what happened during my graduation but it is now almost 3 am in the morning and I had to wake up early tomorrow because I have work to do so I'll continue once I settled things up.

"A father doesn't tell you that he loves you.

He shows you."

Night So Cold

Woke up at four
Checked out the inbox
Received a few messages
His name wasn't included

Sighed

Tried to get back to sleep
Both eyes closed
Mind still wide awake
His images couldn't be ignored

Eyes opened

Unlocked the keypad
Upper and lower lips pouted
Started texting
But kept deleting

Text message cancelled

It showed
Thou both hearts desired
But blocked with ego
Nights turned out really cold..


('Cold' by Marquise de Ville, September 2009)

Two Feels Like Three

A friend called me up to talk about her guy which was one of the favourite boyfriends in our circle. He was always a romantic good-looking guy with a sense of humour that never failed to catch people's attention. They were a great couple as we friends could see and they looked so good with each other. After eight months of going strong in the relationship, the boyfriend became a bit blurry than usual and everything she did didn't catch his attention anymore. He preferred to stay quiet, became a loner and did things on his own - which - weren't really productive for himself and obviously the relationship. He did unusual things like buying daisies for the house even if he knew that she preferred roses. He started drinking juices every morning after a few years of starting the day with their favourite black coffee. He started listening to sad songs and he didn't laugh like he used to everytime he turned his favourite dance tunes on. She felt weird. She thought he might be having problems in his work or financial as he didn't really has a close relationship with his family ever since he graduated and led his own life. She tried to talk to him but when she asked he just smiled and said that he was okay. She thought 'maybe he just needs his own space' and she never asked the same thing again.

When their relationship was turning to its first year, when she started discussing about marriage, he became like a freak. He didn't go out he didn't go to work and never wanted to see anyone. He did and said things to her like he was talking to someone else. She was so worried that he might has some kind of critical disease or severe internal bleeding or whatever but again, when she asked, his smile never felt like the same beautiful smile that he had before and she could see something else in his eyes which used to show only images of her and the moments they spent together. The eyes were telling her about something else - something she never thought would ever come between the two of them. He was doing everything that his ex-girlfriend loved and he changed because he realised that she could never come back in his life again.

I was confused for a while but my friend finally told me that he lost his previous girlfriend in a car accident two years before they met. He was about to take her to a candle-light dinner where he planned to propose her and they were hit by a truck before they got to the place, which means before he had the chance to tell her that he wanted her to be the one in his life forever. He survived but she died. He moved on and carried on with his life two yeas after but maybe he suddenly realised that it was all his fault and he was trying to get her back ignoring that he was already blessed with the current girlfriend who loved him with all her heart and didn't care about his history.

I was stunned as I finished my third cup of coffee and I was speechless. I thought maybe he turned like that because he was afraid of losing her like his previous girl, but he didn't realise that he was losing her instead of trying to save her from what he was afraid of. I didn't know what to say because all I could see in the girl's eyes were hopes that turning into ashes and painful heartbreak that couldn't stop bleeding and I knew from the moment she said she couldn't take it - fighting with someone she can't see - she really meant it. And back at home I thought about how complicated the story was and I couldn't find any answer because I might not have the same memory that I have now if the life line is different. I am so blessed that history builds a better life for me to cherish what I have today.

Footsteps on the stairs
Nobody there
I feel like there's someone watching me
Shadows on the wall
Whispers down the hall
But when I look there's nothing to see
You say that you let her go
You turned the page and closed the door
I can't get inside your head
Cause when I try she's there instead

You say that she's gone
That you've moved on
So why do I feel her eyes on me
Can invisible chains keep us in pain
Won't you please tell her set you free
Sometimes when you look past me
your eyes see someone I can't see
So I'm giving up this war
Cause I can't fight it anymore

I can't compete with a memory
How can I fight with someone that I can't see
There's two of us but it feels like three
I wish her ghost would just let us be
Boy you're everything I ever wanted
But I gotta let you go
cause this love is haunted

('Haunted' by Rihanna)

Too Late To Escape

In every corner of the world music fans are still crying in sorrow. All the daily news are reporting about the unanswered tragic death of the King of Pop. As for me, this few days of holiday miles apart from my other half makes me think of how to survive when it hurts to be missing the moments spent since the year started. I am myself confused with many questions in my head about my future plans, my job, my family and my distance relationship. The first few days staying apart really killed and it doesn't sound promising to be living happily for the days or months to come. But that's the fact that we have to face and I am really concern about the change of behaviour and mood swing that I am facing at the moment. People might say the tougher the challenge is, the stronger your love will be. But I can't help from thinking how are you going to be tough or strong without your other half around and how are you going to be okay if he or she cannot make it when you need him or her to be there through thick and thin? It's not that I don't try to make it work or fix it, the more I try the more it hurts because nobody enjoys the journey alone. When I tried to convince myself that I can do everything by myself, I realised that there is nothing that I want to do than being stuck with him and the bond is already too strong to be broken. And no matter how deep I get hurt or how far I get lost in my own world, I won't give it up. How am I going to do about it? I guess I can't never get the answer because I do- with all my heart...love him.

Don't know how we got this far
So attached now and this gets me
Like a thief you stole my heart
And I fallen in love so unfairly
Boy I hate that my
World revolves around you
And I hate my heart
Cause it hurts without you

Why, why am I so lost in you?
And I don't even know me anymore
Why, I don't know why I'm so confused
Cause I'm hating that I love you this much boy
I'm Confused

You gave me goosebumps, every time
My heart skips a beat when you touch me
I'm so mesmerized
Who told you, you could be mine?
I'm mad at you for this nice surprise

I think I hate you, yes I hate you
Wait, I love you, I love you
I'm really so confused,
I love you, yes I do

('Love Confusion' by Kat DeLuna)