FROM THE STRAIGHT ARROW

Swaying Tears

2012-01-18T03:50:00.001+08:00

I sang

Gladly I sang

Happily I rhymed

To the tune I chanted

I danced

Gracefully I danced

Joyfully I swayed

To the beat at ease

I smiled

Perfectly wide

Grateful for fortunate ones

To be having love by their side

I sang to the song

I danced to the beat

I smiled to happy faces

I screamed my laughter at best

Thou secretly I cried

For how many prayers

For how many wishes

In hoping for a change

To my unforeseen life

To my written story line..

('Swaying Tears' by Marquise de Ville, Jan 2012)

Ending to A New Beginning

2011-12-06T01:58:00.000+08:00

The year has come to its beginning before I could even write about the previous year's ending. It is quite unbelievable how fast time flies leaving all memories to be captured without a single second missed. I am not sure if others feel upset about the year ending, but I don't feel happy either. I had great times and bad times in the whole year but I definitely feel bad that I can't achieve more. I'm a typical thinker, a Scorpion thinker. Well at least I had few chances to use my old passport before it expired and the ran out of pages for the stamps. 2011 has been a tough and exciting year for me. It has turned my travelling interest into a frequent need. It's my unstoppable addiction now that I have resumed it since I stopped quite a while, one or two years ago. I went to a few places to heal my heartbreak from frustrations in life, I found satisfaction again after. Talking about the places, just writing about them reminds me of how amazing the world opens up the understanding of the nature of life through all the senses. Having lunch far on top of the hill facing an active volcano (which is prone to erupt anytime) or just getting stuck to give way for the holy procession in the street of Java island, getting mistaken as one of the escort girls for your Asian look in one of the islands in Andaman Sea, or being treated unfairly for not presenting yourself like a foreigner in a country just less than two hours flight from your home; these have turned myself into someone who appreciates more than life can give. There is nothing I would ever trade for every second that life has offerred. Whatever your resolutions are, whatever you expect from life, live it just like you mean it. Happy New Year.

Just when I thought ; Il N'est Plus La

2011-10-19T00:29:00.006+08:00

C'est midnight and I was awake

Eyes still wide opened

Mind tried to stop thinking

Juste un minuit, I whispered

I turned to the clock on the wall

I tried hard not to recall

Just when I thought I am happy

I realised how I miss a company

To do whatever we feel like

Not a particular anyone nor anything

Just a companion but il n'est plus la

Now that the heart is empty

Is there be a space to be filled?

Dans mon coeur but what if it beats?

Would it be safe from harm?

Or it would be le meme?

If it finally ticks would it be deep?

Would there be another light?

Je ne sais pas, ne sais

Would there be another soul?

Would it be smile, or another cry?

Je ne sais pas, il n'est plus la..

('Il N'est Plus La' by Marquise de Ville, Oct 2011)

As Life Goes On

2011-08-03T00:27:00.003+08:00

I actually do not have any particular topic nor a story to write, I just find it so difficult to sleep peacefully without mind thinking about my unclear path of the future. I know, I know.. there's always a saying telling 'don't think about the future and live the present..' and such, but it is just what I do with the brain God has created, I think. I do that deeply. I have been struggling to juggle the life I have no choice but to survive these days. I skipped a few lessons after wrk as I got sick and I still try to think positively at work even without the giggles of children around. I miss watching toddlers smiling at me, as if they are trying to say 'everything is going to be okay'. But I cannot complain much though, as it is not easy to perform my best when I have a few tasks to be done in a little time.

So I hope what I have decided is the best decision for now. And thinking about getting an offer for a job in an embassy is always a good thing, not everyone can get in easily. I did. And I shall be grateful for the opportunity. Even though the workload is totally different ( which is 70 % less than in my previous company), at least I get to come home earlier than others with the same pay and get to finish my homework and attend classes with the convenient working hours. Life is tough, never easy. Why complain much, si?

I just hope things will workout for me as I am fully responsible for every step that I take. Come to think about it, the year is coming to its third quarter. May this Holy month of Ramadhan bring the most of the blessings to get me through the days. Ramadhan Kareem to all the muslims in the world, wherever you are. Goodnight.

Catch Upon The Stars

2011-06-16T00:05:00.004+08:00

'Is this a lasting treasure
or just a moment of pleasure?'

I always ponder the question whenever I catch the stars upon my sleepless nights. Like tonight. At this very moment. As I was nagging and babbling to myself about unlucky things I have faced, I wondered how people deal with the worst things that happened in their lives. I shouldn't complain much, at least I have a good life, enough to survive. So crazy is this thing called life, now that you've got everything that you need, you tend to give up just because you can't get the things that you want. I have never myself understood how funny emotion reacts to physical needs that actually never even make sense if they don't exist. Why ask for a lifesaver when you have been swimming alone all this while?

Clean and Clear

2011-03-28T14:01:00.004+08:00

Don't go
Don't leave
Don't ever turn your back on me
Don't say that you don't want me
Don't smile
Don't cry
Don't say a word to me
Don't throw the look at me
Don't forgive
Don't apologise
Because it it time
That I am leaving you behind

Fight For Love

2011-03-08T11:22:00.003+08:00

The quarrels of lovers are like summer storms;
everything is more beautiful when they have passed.

- Madame Necker

I love argument, I love debate.
I don't expect anyone just to sit there and agree with me,
that's not their job.

- Margaret Thatcher

Hear one side and you will be in the dark.
Hear both and all will be clear.

- Thomas C. Haliburton

Bringing On The Heartbreak

2011-03-07T14:30:00.016+08:00

Parfois, je perd confiance en toi,
et pourtant je voudrai tant te croire
comprend moi, malgre mon amour pur toi
les entendre me fait douter pardonne moi
je cherche pas a te faire fuire,
voit au moins celle que tu veux suivre
mais bebe non ne m'en veux pas
si je cherche a me proteger
par le passe j'ai trop pleure
pourtant je fuis pour oublier
aujourd'hui c'est a tes cotes que je veux avancer

-s'éloignant par Lynshaa

L

2011-03-03T14:14:00.000+08:00

Does true love exist?
Or only lust that triggers the relationship?

So Sick

2011-02-22T14:36:00.002+08:00

I fall sick a lot lately. The new year has come to the end of the second month and I still can't put the pieces together. I try so hard to catch everything I could that I tend to forget to take good care of the small parts of my life that have been more than good to me. Apologies then;

Brain
Sorry for the unbearable overload
Tummy
Sorry for the uneasy butterflies
Pillow
Sorry for the sleepless tears
Heart
I'm sorry for the severe damage

I won't let them hurt anymore.

Love The Way You Live

2010-12-20T12:48:00.011+08:00

Hello, all! Oh, my.. is dust covering this place? Can you see spider webs all over it already? It's been quite a while since my last post here. I've been really occupied with work that has become one of the biggest part of my life and it was a very busy time for all of us in the company as it was the end of the term for the kids before they go off for Christmas and New Year holidays. And it has been hectic for me too as yesterday was my last day working in PJ centre on weekends. I'll be based in the HQ starting this week and no more traveling back and forth with a few cups of coffee every Saturday and Sunday just to keep myself awake to drive all the way for the sake of the children.

I'm relieved, but undeniably sad at the same time. The kids and parents are already attached to me as we spent six remarkable cheerful months together. I gained a lot of experience and I am really flattered that my patience in teaching the kids and guiding the parents are worth at the end of the day. I received a lot of praises and thank you wishes and presents from them. I know it is nothing compared with employees from big companies that get Full HD TVs or trips from the bosses and clients; but to get to know that what you have given to an innocent precious little minds that will develop in shaping their thoughts to grow later is - priceless.

Speaking of my fully occupied time that had restricted myself from writing, I was also busy doing makeover to the house because I was so enthusiastic in ensuring my comfort as I wanted to come home feeling cozy and peaceful after a tiring day at work. I have always been known as a home-ly type of person who sometimes refuse to go out and socialise whenever I have my time off. It doesn't mean that I didn't have a cozy home before but to have the chance to do something on my own with my effort and money (as I didn't ask daddy even a cent this time) makes it a whole new makeover to myself too.

I feel much more content coming home switching on the new floorlamp which I only change the lampshade, sticking myself on the newly-bought white L-shaped couch, looking at the gorgeus colourful painting on the wall that I actually painted myself, watching the old TV ( I'm still saving to buy a new one) that is put on the new shelf with my pretty little ornaments on the sides with a little white lamp I bought in a home deco mart for a very cheap price. Oh, my.. I'm hundred percent satisfied. I don't need a lavish social lifestyle nor an expensive handbag (at least at this moment ) to find my satisfaction. I'm happy doing what I like.

Anyway, it's my off day today and I want to continue reading a book that I get from one of the students' parents for my Christmas present. I've already mixed a cup of coffee before I started writing this and yes - I'll spend the day reading on the couch. Til' then, spend your time doing the things you have ever wanted to do the most. Have a nice day!

I finished this painting in two nights

My favourite porcelain Japanese dolls, kawaii, no?

Porcelain Union Jack boots I bought in London

Moon Lights The Dream

2010-09-15T22:59:00.008+08:00

Don't quit shining up the darkness on the narrow way
I wish for your spark to take the sadness away
You're the only one among the diamonds in the sky
Your shimmering light appears to me like a smile
For it is the reason that I don't want to cry
O' dear moon, please stay the way you are
You help keeping me asleep through the night
Living in the dream that I don't want it to end
I no longer want to be awake and pretend
That the dream is over even before it begins

('Moonlight Dream' by Marquise de Ville, Sept 2010)

Sunshine After The Rain

2010-08-25T19:14:00.009+08:00

It was just a few minutes after I switched on the lights in the room at the office after punching in the card when I received a call from my dad this morning. It was awkward as the only thing he said was , "Hello, are you okay?" and when answered him yes, he hung up. I ignored it as dad is always unpredictable and he does unusual things unlike normal people do.

So I continued with my Wednesday routine at work as usual. Today was a bit busy as there were some incomplete materials for this week's box. So time was ticking really fast that I didn't realise that it was 5.30 pm. Well, today my siblings will be having iftar with their friends so I decided to go to the bazaar to take away some desserts.

When I was about to reach home, my phone rang again and it was daddy. "I watched the news this morning and it says that a kindergarten teacher in her early 20s was stabbed by a thief while she was going to work along NKVE highway and I was so worried. I'm afraid if they hurt you. Are you okay?" he asked.

I quickly said, "Dad, it only takes me 15 minutes to be there even in the traffic jam and I don't even use the highway. I'm okay and it's not me. I don't work in a kindy by the way."

Then only I heard his voice a bit relieved than before. I knew he meant it when he said he was worried. I felt sorry for the victim though, she was stabbed to death by a guy who tried to rob her. It terrifies me too as crime is getting worse day by day all over the country and we'll never know who is bad and good anymore. But the call made up my day after weeks of struggling with workloads in the fasting month. Whenever life treats me a bit rough, dad will always be there to make me smile even in his own strange ways. You've brightened up my day, like the sunshine after the rain. I love you, daddy!

Little Wonders

2010-07-30T20:55:00.008+08:00

It feels like the first time tapping on the keyboard after my previous post. It feels good to be back to write though. I was busy with work which has been the biggest part of my life now. I guess I've finally found the company that has hired me for what I'm good in to serve the clients that appreciate every single thing that I do for them and the most important part is that I feel so good and look forward for everyday to come to go to work. Sounds strange but it is true.

I work in a company which provides right brain learning for children from age 3 months to 7 years old and my students are aged between 5 months to 2 years old. I love kids! I was actually quite surprised how the children can learn so fast and socialise better than adults! As I learn more and more during on-the-job training, I have found out that humans develop the brains best at 0 to 3 years old as the brain absorbs information like sponge absorbs water even without verbal output. I become a person who is obsessed with learning about human brain and I am really looking forward to do a research on this method.

Well that's about research and results. But what I am interested in the most is watching the kids laughing and giggling when they are praised after each game even if the answers are wrong as they feel happy when we appreciate their effort. It feels so good when a 2-year-old boy came to me in the middle of the hallway even before class starts and held my hand said, 'Sensei, sing song' and he hugged me so tightly that it made my heart struggling to melt. Then there was once when a little baby boy reach out his hands to me and smiled when I carried him from his mother. And now whenever I have any doubts or feeling uneasy with things or some issues in life, I can feel my heart and soul calming down when coming to work looking at all the happy faces and smiles from the kids. Even when they cry, I don't feel like stressing myself out as the job requires me to ensure my inner vibration and energy are in control and in a good condition to turn the kids' hearts to be as calm too.

Looking at the kids in class makes me feel so grateful that I am given the oppurtunity to nurture their hearts since they are young and give them the education that will then shape their personalities. We don't just give them input of knowledge, but we teach them respect, kindness and love. Children are those who are pure and innocent that they deserves to have everything good in life and it is really important to teach them from they are young as they will grow with the knowledge we plant in their brains.

We tend to take things for granted and blame fate for problems occurred. We just won't admit the fact that nothing can compare to the love we share. These kids really feel happy when we appreciate them with little things that remain in their hearts. I give them stickers after each class, parents hug them saying thank you for enjoying the lesson and they just jumps around happily knowing that we care about what they feel and we appreciate their effort. They don't need new toys or expensive children attire nor exclusive priviledge to kids' world in Harrods to show that we care. They are not like adults who are just being nice and do things for those who have something to give in return. They smile, they wave, they respect. I wonder why adults cannot tolerate or socialise with each other even though we know what is right and wrong after how many years we learn. I used to get frustrated when life treated me badly and I blamed many things but now I feel so fortunate to have these cute little strangers that never fails to make my day. They are the little creations that make big wonders that will never be taken away from my life.

The Letter B

2010-03-25T01:22:00.008+08:00

If you're a girl, you dress to impress the opposite sex
But if you're a woman, you dress for yourself
and it's good if other women envy
Because that tells how great u are compared to them
If you're a girl, you make sound when you chew
You even interrupt when people talk
Because those are the only ways to get attention
If you're a woman then you just do the appropriate things to do
Because you don't need the attention, you are who you are

So you're a girl, act like one
Because if you think you're a woman,
you will have to choose to be a babe
or a bi-atch for all the other people care.

I just don't deal with lower-class attention seekers!

The White Blanket

2010-03-18T04:30:00.016+08:00

Woke up early in the morning with smile each day
Had little breakfast at home or at McDonald's not far away
Got ready with layers of clothes and boots all set up to play
And walked miles then took rides and shot photos along the way

Got really crazy and excited with the shopping spree
As sale and great offers were everywhere
Even though the snow was falling heavily and people stared
'Others could leave the shops if they're cold for all I care!'

Rode on a bus that my brother accidentally missed
Just to get to the place for the stuff he couldn't get over with
Returned home with hands full of stuff and treats
Went to bed early wanting to wake up as early for the routine

Never in life had we paid ridiculous price to smoke high
But it was absolutely amazing to taste all the flavours inside
On an unbelievable freezing cold winter night
But having that eight-pound sheesha could make you fly

Walked in the park holding a cup of coffee
Just sat for hours for there was a lot to see
Watched the birds flying and landed on pretty trees
Even the frozen lake made people happy

We had really unpredictable and hectic days
But we never failed to have fun and jingle all the way
People said when winter comes they wish to stray
But no matter how much fuss it took all I wanted was to stay

('The White Blanket' by Marquise de Ville', March 2010)

I shot the photo on the first day of snow from the window in William Barefoot Drive, Mottingham in London in November 2009. I just can't wait to go back because I miss London.. badly.

Longing For You

2010-03-10T15:58:00.005+08:00

I miss the smell of the salt in the crystal clear blue sea
I crave for the breeze that soothes when it touches my skin
I yearn for the perfect view when the sun shines up in the sky
I enjoy the sound of the smooth waves that hits the seaside

How can I ever describe that I am longing for the beach with every beat of my heart... ?

What If I..?

2010-03-10T03:20:00.011+08:00

I stood up really confused
Not knowing where to go
Which way to choose
Is the right turn the one to go through
Would the left turn get really smooth
Or what if I'd make the wrong move..?

('What If I' by Marquise de Ville, March 2010)

A Day In The Sun

2010-02-02T13:26:00.014+08:00

Hello, people! I was dreaming about Prince Andrea Casiraghi of Monaco this morning and he gave me a beautiful bouquet of roses in the dream - well, roses are not my type but anyway, as I was smiling to my ears trying to say something to him, my eyes finally popped open and coincidentally stared at this one big faded-dried pink rose bouquet on the drawer next to my bed and I thought, 'Hey, I have to tell them the story!'

So here goes one of the most unforgettable memories that will always be remembered for my entire life. Remember when I posted about my graduation rehearsal when I suddenly puked in the car and dad was nagging like a grandma? Okay, so this was what happened the next day. Yes, the actual graduation ceremony.

My dad woke my brother and I early in the morning to have breakfast and get ready for the ceremony. He was telling me to bring two or three pairs of shoes because I did not wear the appropriate ones for quite a while. So i brought two pairs of black platform wedges. On our way to college, I was giving daddy a hint on which bouquet would I be getting but he looked so clueless and he called my mum to ask about why was I asking him about flowers.

Once we got there, it was crowded with beautiful flower stalls and teddy bears and frames and it was like a colourful flea market. We got out from the car and dad was asking me to go to the registration booth and when I walked a few feet away from the car, guess what? My left shoe broke. The front peep-toe was torn opened and I did not know how the hell it happened. I went back to the car and daddy was like, 'Told you!' I was so clueless on how or why it happened on my graduation day but luckily my dad asked me to bring another pair and I changed to wear them and I was hoping that it would not bring me any trouble at least until the ceremony ends. Dad called mum once again and he nagged about the shoes and he told my mum not to buy from the brand anymore and he said he wanted to sue the company and I knew mum was laughing.

After I registered my name and got my graduation slip, I went to wait in the hall with my dad and my brother and everyone in the hall was posing with their families and boyfriends or girlfriends and their teddy bears and flowers. I told my dad they had pretty bouquets but you know what he said? 'Okay, we'll take photos here with the flowers' which meant he asked me to stand in front of a giant pot of plants in the hall! It was the decoration in the hall and he didn't have any idea about the graduation bouquet! My brother who was the photographer was laughing out loud and he was teasing me about how cool my photo would be with the biggest 'bouquet' a graduate would ever have for their graduation. Well, very funny!

So dad and my brother went to the hall after that while I joined all the graduates outside the hall for the graduate procession. When we got into the hall in which the ceremony had started, my dad who was sitting in the middle of the hall was waving his way at me and he was giving me signs to wear my mortarboard or the cap properly and I was in the middle of the procession! I was smiling when other parents looked at him.

In the middle of the ceremony before my turn to get the scroll, my dad texted me who was sitting a few rows in front of him and told me he and my brother were hungry and I told him to get their lunch first. But he wanted to wait for my turn to get on the stage. He was thrilled when my name was called and when I walked to my seat I could see dad's happy face and I know I had make him proud.

When I got out from the hall, my brother was waiting outside alone and we were sweating as it was so hot and sunny and we couldn't wait to go back but dad was not around. When he came a few minutes later, he was holding a big bouquet of pink roses (only fresh roses without anything, no bears, no chocolates) and I was stunned. It was really huge! My dad had never ever in his entire life bought flowers for anyone, not even his mum or my mum! I was the first person to get flowers from him and his choice? Impressive! Daddy asked me to hold the bouquet while he held the scroll for photos. We shot a few photos and he asked me to take the original scroll straightaway so that we could go home.

So when I went to take the scoll, the officer said I had to return my robe before they could give me the document and dad said I could not return it because I had to take a proper graduation photo with all of the family members so he asked how much ddo we have to pay for the robe if we want to buy it and everybody in the room was like, 'You're buying the robe? For real?' I was blushing but hey, it's red and it's pretty! But as I was blushing in the academic room, all the staff were praising how cool my dad was and I was so proud that it made me blushed even more hahaha.

So we bought the robe and got the scroll and we headed to have our lunch before going home. My sisters were so freaking shocked to see the bouquet that daddy gave me for my gaduation because I was the first one to have it and when we called mum to tell about the whole story, mummy was laughing and she said she didn't expect him to be so cool haha. I got the graduation present too; the shopping trip to London and I had fun!

See how big it is in my arm?

I have the best graduation experience and I have the coolest family members on earth! I just couldn't ask for more. Well, I have to go now. Happy reading and have a nice day!

Maybe It's True

2010-01-31T17:44:00.005+08:00

I'm always connected online
Hooked on Facebook all the time
Hoping you've checked my profile
Just cant help wondering why
You play it cool but see
I'm hopelessly falling for you

('Maybe' - Jay Sean)

Live Like Dying

2010-01-26T00:02:00.005+08:00

2010 is finally here and I have not posted anything since last few months and I am relieved that I have finally found the urge to write again because last couple months have been really rocky and 2009 had tested my patience and courage in searching what I exactly want to achieve in life.

Well, I was in London during Christmas Sale and yes, I got to fight with thousands of shoppers for the best bargains during Boxing Day and I went to see Sherlock Holmes the movie. But no, on the New Year's Eve I did not go out to celebrate as I did not have the feeling of celebrating the timeout - the end of my unaccomplished resolutions for the year. I wanted to discover as many places in the world or at least go to a few islands and fly in a helicopter or a private plane for sightseeing or try out paragliding or ride in a hot air balloon, but time flies really fast and I ended up doing nothing.

I do not have any idea of what I will do this year but I certainly do promise I will take every second in life to appreciate what my family have done to me and I will spend more time with them and I will hangout with my closest friends that have always been there for me as much as I can and most of all I will not disappoint my late grandparents' wish to see me succeed in everything I do in life. I will not waste a moment to cherish what I have today and I want to discover and learn about life as much as I could as that is the major way to improve myself to become a better person, a good daughter, a sister and a friend (I have always wanted to be the best wife too!). Sounds so much like in the beauty pageant, no?

Whatever it is, I wish 2010 will see myself as an educated and a respectful woman as turning older is not something I will be afraid of. I am totally seeing myself as the same old chick but with a little upgrade and if that would make me a b***h, I am definitely taking the bet!

"Give a girl an education and introduce her properly into the world, and ten to one but she has the means of settling well, without further expense to anybody. "

-Jane Austen-

Brother Turns Twenty

2009-11-12T13:14:00.010+08:00

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Don't be sad if you're lonely
Cos even when nobody's around
We always want you to be happy

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Friends come and people stray
But don't let things come in your way
Cos we will always be there to stay

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Don't feel down if things don't work out
Cos even if we're miles apart
We'll be there to sort things out

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Life is cruel and it's not that easy
Learn to appreciate little things
You'll be surprised how wonderful they can be

Hi brother, today you're twenty
If the sun doesn't light your day
Or if it rains heavily on your way
Be grateful that you can see another day

Hi brother, today you're twenty
Smile even when your soul is crying
Even if luck doesn't show up when you're ready
Call my name and I'll there when you need me

Happy Birthday, brother! God bless you!

Love, Kisses and Hugs

Show Me Love

2009-11-04T01:31:00.012+08:00

It's the month of my birthday and my brother's, my boyfriend's and his brother's, my aunt's and her husband's, my cousins', and obviously for those who were born in the glorious November. But I am not writing about my or their becoming birthday, but to share a memory with you people, I graduated a few days ago. I mean the graduation ceremony was held on 31st October and I was so busy to write about anything since the ceremony made it compulsory for me to travel a few days to settle things up and I had to pack all the things in my room and the house because we were moving out (to the next block, fortunately).

Well, there was nothing extraordinary about my graduation as everyone who completed studies will have the chance to experience it with the presence of their beloved people. As for me, I had four invitation cards but I only took two as only two of my family members were coming, my dad and my little brother. My mom had to go outstation for work and my sisters were busy with their meetings with clients. My boyfriend could not make it because he was busy studying for his coming final exams. I did not feel unhappy as I was grateful enough to have my dad to drive me to the rehearsal and the actual ceremony even when he had to take a few days leave from his important work. If I had to drive myself alone to the graduation, then that is pathetic. I would be screaming and crying all the way to college if nobody could come.

The rehearsal was on Friday and we had to be there by 9 am, so my dad woke me up really early and we only had some hot drinks. Daddy had his hot tea and he asked me to eat something but I only had my coffee because I was so sleepy and I thought we would have breakfast after the rehearsal or when we had a break later. So the rehearsal was only a short briefing to explain about the actual ceremony and what to do and how. Daddy waited for me outside and the briefing ended before 11am. This was the first time he had ever come to send me to college. I drove by myself alone when I first registered as a student in the college. My parents were so busy with work and all of my siblings are used to doing things by ourselves. When I got out from the hall, I was sweating because it was really hot outside and I drank a bottle of 100 plus to cool down. Daddy was telling me to stop drinking the isotonic drink because it might make my gastric worse as I had not eaten anything from morning, but I said it would be okay.

So we decided to have brunch somewhere in Damansara to kill the time as we were going to fetch my brother in the station later. So daddy was telling me about a father who was also waiting for his daughter during the rehearsal and I was laughing to his story. I laughed but my mind was so not in its place and I was feeling dizzy. I thought, 'maybe it was just the heat'. But when daddy stopped the car at the traffic light in front of One Utama, my hand was pulling a plastic bag under the car seat and I opened it up to cover my mouth with it.

I wasn't really sure what I was doing and my dad was looking at me curiously and he asked me why. As I was just opening my mouth to say something to him, I suddenly threw out bubbles and coffee in the plastic bag. My dad was so shocked and he asked me to show him an air-conditioned place to eat, so I just pointed my hand to The Curve with my mouth still throwing out only bubble from the isotonic drink. Daddy drove really fast and he was babbling about how many times he asked me not to skip breakfast and not to drink coffee or carbonated drinks without eating.

When we got out from the car, I threw the plastic bag away and I told him I was okay but daddy was still worried. He was holding me because he was afraid I might be fainted. I had to eat the whole plate of rice even when I couldn't finish it. My dad was really treating me like I was still a little girl when he insisted me to eat all the rice and chicken and finish up the drinks so that I would not get worse. After eating and drinking green tea, I felt relieved and I didn't feel like throwing up again. So daddy suggested to go window shopping in IKEA. I was glad that he was happy looking at all the pretty furnitures after making him worried for my unintentional carelessness. It had been a while since I saw him smiling for things that he did for himself. He was always doing things for others and it felt really great to see him enjoying the very limited time for himself.

When we got home after fetching my brother, my dad was telling everyone in the house about me throwing up in the car because I didn't want to have breakfast. Everyone was laughing but I knew that he was really worried about me and he really wanted me to be in a bed of roses, especially on my graduation day. My brother and sisters were laughing when he was babbling because that showed how much he cares for his children. He might get a little sarcastic sometimes, but he's the best man in the whole universe.

Well, that was on the rehearsal day. I really want to tell you guys what happened during my graduation but it is now almost 3 am in the morning and I had to wake up early tomorrow because I have work to do so I'll continue once I settled things up.

"A father doesn't tell you that he loves you.

He shows you."

Sometimes, Always, Perhaps

2009-09-28T10:41:00.005+08:00

Is there a perfect love? People questioned.

It happens once in a while, a few said.

Perhaps it does to lucky ones, some thought.

But there is always a perfect lie, everyone agreed.

Night So Cold

2009-09-17T04:34:00.013+08:00

Woke up at four
Checked out the inbox
Received a few messages
His name wasn't included

Sighed

Tried to get back to sleep
Both eyes closed
Mind still wide awake
His images couldn't be ignored

Eyes opened

Unlocked the keypad
Upper and lower lips pouted
Started texting
But kept deleting

Text message cancelled

It showed
Thou both hearts desired
But blocked with ego
Nights turned out really cold..

('Cold' by Marquise de Ville, September 2009)

Two Feels Like Three

2009-08-26T19:28:00.020+08:00

A friend called me up to talk about her guy which was one of the favourite boyfriends in our circle. He was always a romantic good-looking guy with a sense of humour that never failed to catch people's attention. They were a great couple as we friends could see and they looked so good with each other. After eight months of going strong in the relationship, the boyfriend became a bit blurry than usual and everything she did didn't catch his attention anymore. He preferred to stay quiet, became a loner and did things on his own - which - weren't really productive for himself and obviously the relationship. He did unusual things like buying daisies for the house even if he knew that she preferred roses. He started drinking juices every morning after a few years of starting the day with their favourite black coffee. He started listening to sad songs and he didn't laugh like he used to everytime he turned his favourite dance tunes on. She felt weird. She thought he might be having problems in his work or financial as he didn't really has a close relationship with his family ever since he graduated and led his own life. She tried to talk to him but when she asked he just smiled and said that he was okay. She thought 'maybe he just needs his own space' and she never asked the same thing again.

When their relationship was turning to its first year, when she started discussing about marriage, he became like a freak. He didn't go out he didn't go to work and never wanted to see anyone. He did and said things to her like he was talking to someone else. She was so worried that he might has some kind of critical disease or severe internal bleeding or whatever but again, when she asked, his smile never felt like the same beautiful smile that he had before and she could see something else in his eyes which used to show only images of her and the moments they spent together. The eyes were telling her about something else - something she never thought would ever come between the two of them. He was doing everything that his ex-girlfriend loved and he changed because he realised that she could never come back in his life again.

I was confused for a while but my friend finally told me that he lost his previous girlfriend in a car accident two years before they met. He was about to take her to a candle-light dinner where he planned to propose her and they were hit by a truck before they got to the place, which means before he had the chance to tell her that he wanted her to be the one in his life forever. He survived but she died. He moved on and carried on with his life two yeas after but maybe he suddenly realised that it was all his fault and he was trying to get her back ignoring that he was already blessed with the current girlfriend who loved him with all her heart and didn't care about his history.

I was stunned as I finished my third cup of coffee and I was speechless. I thought maybe he turned like that because he was afraid of losing her like his previous girl, but he didn't realise that he was losing her instead of trying to save her from what he was afraid of. I didn't know what to say because all I could see in the girl's eyes were hopes that turning into ashes and painful heartbreak that couldn't stop bleeding and I knew from the moment she said she couldn't take it - fighting with someone she can't see - she really meant it. And back at home I thought about how complicated the story was and I couldn't find any answer because I might not have the same memory that I have now if the life line is different. I am so blessed that history builds a better life for me to cherish what I have today.

Footsteps on the stairs
Nobody there
I feel like there's someone watching me
Shadows on the wall
Whispers down the hall
But when I look there's nothing to see
You say that you let her go
You turned the page and closed the door
I can't get inside your head
Cause when I try she's there instead

You say that she's gone
That you've moved on
So why do I feel her eyes on me
Can invisible chains keep us in pain
Won't you please tell her set you free
Sometimes when you look past me
your eyes see someone I can't see
So I'm giving up this war
Cause I can't fight it anymore

I can't compete with a memory
How can I fight with someone that I can't see
There's two of us but it feels like three
I wish her ghost would just let us be
Boy you're everything I ever wanted
But I gotta let you go
cause this love is haunted

('Haunted' by Rihanna)

Holding On

2009-08-11T19:54:00.014+08:00

The fasting month is around the corner and the time flies really fast that I haven't noticed that it is already August. It's the end of the summer season. Eid will be in September and my convocation is rumoured to be in October or early November. And we've booked the tickets to London after my birthday in November. There goes my schedule for the rest of the year.

Well, I was watching the TV before I started typing this post. The fast-spreading influenza flu is really hitting every headlines in the news these days and I am so afraid to go out from the house even to the nearest 7-eleven store. The virus kills people in a few days and I figure I am still not ready to be diagnosed with the disgusting flu that originated from pigs! I am so relieved to think that I haven't applied any teaching posts in any school because the virus spreads so fast in schools and public places. I feel sorry for the kids and teachers. The government really has to do something...now! You don't have to wait for everyone in the same place to die from the flu before you close it or take any action. Hopefully they know what to do.

I don't really have much to share this time but I found my old pendrive in my old bag that was used during my foundation year and one of my favourite songs are still in there. I remember singing to the song over and over but it didn't really matter as I was super-single and available and I was still a girl who loved to play around and enjoyed partying and outings and stuff. But when I played the song just now, it really made me think about myself. Will I always be there for whoever that needs me around? And will they be there when I need them the most? Well, life is what it is. It can never be perfect but we can always try to make it beautiful and stick together for because sometimes what matters most is to be there when you are needed..

Will I always be there for you?

When you need someone

Will I be that one you need?

Will I do all my best to, to protect you?

When the tears get near your eyes

Will I be the one that's by your side?

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?

Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?

I promise, I promise I will

Will I take tender tender care of you?

Take your darkest night and make it bright for you

Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?

When this world has turned so cold

Will I be the one that's there to hold?

And I love you more every day

And nothing will take that love away

When you need someone

I promise I'll be there for you

('I Promise" by Stacie Orrico)

Too Late To Escape

2009-06-29T23:24:00.017+08:00

In every corner of the world music fans are still crying in sorrow. All the daily news are reporting about the unanswered tragic death of the King of Pop. As for me, this few days of holiday miles apart from my other half makes me think of how to survive when it hurts to be missing the moments spent since the year started. I am myself confused with many questions in my head about my future plans, my job, my family and my distance relationship. The first few days staying apart really killed and it doesn't sound promising to be living happily for the days or months to come. But that's the fact that we have to face and I am really concern about the change of behaviour and mood swing that I am facing at the moment. People might say the tougher the challenge is, the stronger your love will be. But I can't help from thinking how are you going to be tough or strong without your other half around and how are you going to be okay if he or she cannot make it when you need him or her to be there through thick and thin? It's not that I don't try to make it work or fix it, the more I try the more it hurts because nobody enjoys the journey alone. When I tried to convince myself that I can do everything by myself, I realised that there is nothing that I want to do than being stuck with him and the bond is already too strong to be broken. And no matter how deep I get hurt or how far I get lost in my own world, I won't give it up. How am I going to do about it? I guess I can't never get the answer because I do- with all my heart...love him.

Don't know how we got this far
So attached now and this gets me
Like a thief you stole my heart
And I fallen in love so unfairly
Boy I hate that my
World revolves around you
And I hate my heart
Cause it hurts without you

Why, why am I so lost in you?
And I don't even know me anymore
Why, I don't know why I'm so confused
Cause I'm hating that I love you this much boy
I'm Confused

You gave me goosebumps, every time
My heart skips a beat when you touch me
I'm so mesmerized
Who told you, you could be mine?
I'm mad at you for this nice surprise

I think I hate you, yes I hate you
Wait, I love you, I love you
I'm really so confused,
I love you, yes I do

('Love Confusion' by Kat DeLuna)

Far Apart

2009-06-29T02:26:00.010+08:00

June is almost over and I just noticed that I haven't updated my blog for over a month! I was pretty busy being an unofficial planner for my boyfriend's brother for his engagement ceremony. They asked me to help them out with the decoration for all the gifts that they were going to give to the bride-to-be which we called hantaran here in Malaysia. It was a pretty busy time for me as I was juggling work and time to be spent with my boyfriend before he starts his semester hundred miles away next month. His family invited me to the engagement ceremony and I had a great time doing all the last-minute touch-ups to the gifts and decorations together with the family. We had a good time going to the beach and spent every minute we had with jokes and conversations and I felt relieved that they are really nice and welcoming. The event went pretty well and our hantaran really stunned everyone in the house, so I guess my friends and family were right when they told me that I should be a wedding planner and start a real business. Well, I'll think about it.

The ring was placed around the bird's head

(That was not the real ring, we were trying it out)

All the five beautifully decorated presents from our side
(From top right: Silk, Chocolate Cake, Fruits and
on the left from top: Tepak sireh and The Engagement Ring)

Oh, I was so freaking happy when my girlfriends called me up to stay at my place so that we could watch a movie together and we were so like 'Spice Girls' going out watching Hannah Montana The Movie in Cineleisure. I drove with a CD of Britney Spears' songs played in my CD player with my girlfriends singing along and we were heading to watch Miley Cyrus in action! We were so happy to be like the stars in Gossip Girl or Crossroads (and I swear my boyfriend will hate me if he saw me with that girly attitude) hahaha..

Well, the movie was really good. Although it was a simple movie with a simple story line, it really inspires and motivates those with hopes and dreams. As for me, it really touched my heart to see how people sacrifice everything they have to achieve something that they are not sure if they can have it, but at least they try and they never give it up until they get what they want. And that thought makes me think about my future plans..which..I can't really describe here..yet.

Before I forget, there were a lot of news breaking up in the media lately and the death of the one and only King of Pop really leaves an impact to the whole world. People all over the universe are mourning about the death and I really do feel sad that he died in shock when the world still needs him around. I have always admired his music and dancing since I learned how to read. I love all of his songs and there won't be another Michael Jackson anymore. He will always be there...though far apart..he will always be in our hearts..

Rest In Peace

2009-05-14T04:54:00.006+08:00

I am having trouble sleeping..again. It is really hard to continue counting the sheep to fall asleep when you are thinking about an accident happened just a day before at the very same time you are about to fall asleep. I fell asleep earlier yesterday and it was 4am, earlier than this time I am writing. My sister came home before 5am when she woke me up and told me that one of my neighbours who was living in just two doors away from our house committed suicide. We thought the house was empty until police officers and forensics appeared with reporters. The victim jumped out of the balcony or window (we're not really clear about it as we don't want to ask for more or know more about it) from sixteenth floor and her body shattered into pieces. My sister saw her earlier the night before when she went out and she was really shocked to see what happened after she got back. The police managed to arrest all four of the housemates who were staying with the victim when they were trying to run away from the place and the cause of the incident is still under investigation. The victim- a girl came from Beijing and she was found dead with no identification and no documents which led to a mystery. Okay, I sound like a CSI co-star now. But whatever it is or for whatever reason it happened, I hope the case will be investigated with justice because we Malaysians don't want our mother country to be blamed for any reason or doubt of the trials and may she rest in peace.

Handle With Care

2009-05-12T09:21:00.012+08:00

It's May 12th and I'm just starting the first post of the month in the second week. I was enjoying the first week of May with my part-time tutoring and observing primary and pre-school kids in a tuition centre nearby and I realised how much I enjoy being a specialist in the language even it is true that my brain is still shocked after a few months of not-practising-what-I-learned period. I was getting better with my cough and bronchitis symptoms but I got sick since last week suffering from high fever and flu and I was pretty conscious that I have not- at all means as far as I can remember- eaten pork or worn pig skin-based clothing or anything to do with the creature (eh,can I get infected by looking at the pig coin boxes too??) . So I am totally free from the infectious swine flu that has been killing people in the States.

I was going to write earlier but before I could even get rid of the fever, my throat started to sore and it really hurts even to take a sip of warm water. To make it worse or I shall say this as one of my bad hair day or bad luck or BS happened ; my right shoulder got twisted from an unintentional act while playing around with someone I called mi nobio (he's lucky I still call him that until this very moment after the incident). He was trying to lift me up when he totally forgot that I had been hit by a car five years ago and my car crashed so bad that I had to wear neck collar for two and a half months and my right side of the body was stiff and my right nerve and bones were injected with steroids which after the dose vanished, it weakened the main nerve on my right hand and it hurts every time it rains or when it's cold at night or when I try to carry heavy stuff. I really did get mad for quite some time and regret for being so fragile but he really knew how to make it up. But still- I believe in human rights and every human being should be treated fairly and it's a big NO for domestic violence. I think I make him sound so guilty hehehe.

It has been a few days since I got injured and I could not even use the right hand and you know how it gets really crazy when you cannot use it for the most essential and extremely sensitive ability that you have - to eat! Hell yes, I have been using my left hand during meals but it feels so wrong..always does when you were brought up knowing that your right side is good and your left side is bad..your right hand shall be used for good things and the left hand is like your co-star in a movie which is slightly important and cannot be taken for granted but not to be exposed so much. Oh, I sound so bimbo! But I am really grateful to the Almighty for blessing me with two perfect hands with ten fingers and I am considered healthy - if there is no -never- people who smoke in public and those who are still filling each and every millimeter of the air with pollution. They won't bother about it unless they get to feel what it's like to be deadly sick from other people's faults. Okay, I know I sound more like a witch who is throwing a spell hahaha.. I guess I better stop typing now before my fingers get burned; oh,yes I'm typing with my left hand with a little help from my right and it doesn't really feel good with another extra sorethroat. I'll update the blog later when I get better. Til' then, have a nice day and remember to cherish all the time you have and spend it wisely because you'll never know what's coming. Have a nice day!

Play The Game Or Walk Away

2009-04-24T00:51:00.011+08:00

As always, I'm still awake after a few trials of counting the sheep failed. I don't really have much to do at this time as I don't want to wake my workaholic sister and my exhausted dad from their dreams. Plus, I don't want to wake the lazy-fat-bump persian cat which is sleeping upside down on the stairs in his cage. He slept like a dead cat suffocated from over-eating. I really don't have anything to write but I wanted to post a meaningful lyrics of a song that I've been listening to over and over again. It's not a new song but it suddenly lingers in my head every time I try to shut my eyes down before any dream appears..

I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
Cos I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn't mean a thing

Did it happen when we first kissed
Cause it's hurting me to let it go
Maybe cause we spent so much time
And I know that it's no more
I should have never let you hold me baby
Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart
I didn't give to you on purpose
Gotta figure out how you stole my heart

My mind is gone, I'm spinning round
And deep inside my tears I'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm in this condition
And I've got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

('Cry' sung by Rihanna)

Dust It Off

2009-04-23T00:46:00.009+08:00

Rain falls every day in the evening
But it doesn't stop the sun from burning
The clouds are no more that appealing
In the world that is no longer green

People seem to be rushing
Trying to survive from starving
In some parts of the world humans are fighting
For what they have not seem to be getting

In every corner there is no place to be hiding
From the little faults that we are doing
Children play around with no clean air to breathe in
Are these the ways to make the world a better place to live in?

('Dust It Off' by Marquise de Ville, April 2009)

Inhaling Your Sin

2009-04-15T04:31:00.016+08:00

I'm back online to let everyone know I'm such a hardcore party-animal that I'm still awake even after eating the whole plate of rice hahaha..no, I'm kidding! I can't sleep. I've been having trouble sleeping even when my whole body hurts and desperately need some rest because of my heavy cough which starts working whenever I try to lay my head and it is killing me! It didn't bother when I was out shopping with my siblings today and that is really weird. I hate it when I'm sick but I hate it more to be coughing non-stop like I play the role as Benjamin Button..like I've been a heavy smoker since I was a baby when the truth is that I am a passive smoker who gets the unnecessary exposure of tobacco smoke and risk of having lung cancer from people around including those who claimed they love me.. like hello, when will you people learn..the day I die from smokers' fault? Duh!

I thought of ending this post here but I still can't get rid of this cough and I think I better continue typing as it will at least keep my mind away for a while. But I still hate smokers! I live for 23 years and I still can't figure out why people are willing to waste their effort and money just for the sake of killing themselves slowly. Okay it's all about stress and problems at work or family and stuff..but will that be gone after a box? Hell no! And people are promoting going green and keeping the environment safe and practice recycle and things like that but excuse me, do they even think about the content? Why don't they smokers go and consume pure nicotine and all the carcinogens as their daily meal without eating real food? At least they can cut the food consumption and save that to others who live in poverty and those who really need food.

I'm talking about real life situation here. Okay, let's make a point here..smokers spend at least RM6-RM9 for a box of ciggies (excluding their petrol to get to the shop and time they waste and the effort) and sometimes these life-fighters seem to be very concern about the money or miles they have to spend to get great meals or real food to live. That's one. Another scenario about these hard-working people is that they think they work so hard that they deserve to spend so much on great food and also..ciggarettes..which means they eat healthy food to live happily and have a good lifestyle but at the same time they spend another amount of money for the ciggies.. I suggest them to just buy one sharp knife which will only cost them half the price to kill themselves! At least they won't be a burden for their loved ones when they fall sick or getting cancer because of their own fault. Do they even think about the hospital bills later? And it's even worse if their family or friends have to pay for their indiscretion.

I bet they go for the ciggies than choosing the bread

Talking about these big-headed-self-centered people really boils my blood up to my head and I don't want to be having another sickness or migraine. I'm sick of watching people ingnoring babies or children around them by holding on to their smoking expensive sticks on the streets without knowing the risk that they're giving. I'm sick and tired of the long-term exposure of smoke and breathing myself to die. Whatever it is, we non-smokers really don't need anything from you 'cancer-finder' or 'cancer-giver'..and that means we really don't NEED your 'contribution'. People don't deserve to be treated like that because for your attention smokers.. you don't have the right to cut others' lives short.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

2009-03-21T23:13:00.029+08:00

Another Saturday night appears and I am at home still suffering from my monthly freaking pain that comes during my menses time and after years it still kills me like I was going to die any moment it strikes. I hate being sick...alone. But yeah, what do I expect others to do? To feel the pain? I wish! I guess I was born to be a lone ranger and I am glad that I don't need anybody to do things for me. I love the way I am..daddy taught me enough about doing things by myself and I can do what a man can do to live on my own. Oh, yes..I'm not telling a story about my painful endometriosis sickness here, I am posting another piece of my writing which I wrote two days ago..it was great to just sit at home when ideas come hehe.. so here it is..

He was really funny
She was totally crazy
He liked having tea
She was obsessed with coffee
He was playful
She played mature
He claimed to be loyal
She wasn't sure if
He wasn't a player
Because she was a swinger
He loved the rainbow
She preferred the thunder
He dressed in bright colours
She was comfortable in pastels
He loved the smell of flowers
She was into cactus
He liked to pamper cats
She was never good to animals
He was always calm
She often got tensed
He was full of patience
She usually went mad
He confessed he liked her
She refused and told it was crap
He tried to convince her
She did everything for him to give up
But no matter how awkward it was
How different they were
They both couldn't get any better
If one of them weren't there for each other

Can't Keep Forgiving

2009-03-12T03:47:00.008+08:00

It felt a little bit uneasy to update the blog on the same day with the same date in a few minutes, but who cares..it's my personal page anyway! Just now I thought that I couldn't finish my poem but my fingers couldn't stop from working on the keyboard. So here how it goes..

I held you close
I kept you warm
I lifted you up
When you were down

I made you safe
I lightened up the day
To stop the bleeding
And fear from your way

But then you betrayed
You took it for granted
It wasn't thanks that I hoped for
Neither apologies that I wanted

I have never been so untrue
And I want you to know the truth
That I just can't keep forgiving you
For all that you've put me through

('Can't Keep Forgiving' by Marquise de Ville, 2009)

Just Another Fine Evening

2009-03-12T03:04:00.009+08:00

Hello, everyone! It's 3am in the morning and it's the second week of March. I just realised that I haven't updated my blog for quite a while since my previous one. I just didn't have the right mood and I didn't have anything interesting to be shared. I was busy spending the time with my family, but I managed to sneak out for a salsa night with my brother and a few friends hehe.. it was a blast and It was a bit awkward as I hadn't been doing the dance for quite some time and I felt like a freak watching others' moves better. And plus, the muchachaz from Colombia were so drooling-ly hot and it makes me confused about my orientation for a few moments! I think I have to start working out to get the 'salsa abs' like the old times hahaha..

Oh, yes.. I just came back from watching Marley & Me starring Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson in Pavilion and it was a good movie. It was flat in the beginning but it was a motivational one and it nearly got me thinking about starting a family LOL (I don't even have a job!). I'm really impressed of how a dog can really change people's lives and how it teaches you to be patient and strong to handle things before you can get serious with your life. I guess I have to learn to take care of a pet so that I will learn to decide about my life goals later (I know I won't even remember about this when I wake up tomorrow). One of the best things about the movie is that Owen acted so well in the movie that it makes him a really different role from his previous hilarious characters that he played in other movies. And the dog! Yes, the name is Marley and he was such an amazing but pain-in-the-ass dog which makes everything in the movie went so well from gloomy to histerically funny.

Well, that makes a fine evening for me and I guess this is all for now. I'll update the blog later because I am trying to finish writing another poem since I haven't added a new one. I have to continue the poem before the inspiration goes away and before my eyes shut themselves down and wake up in another blurry boring day tomorrow. Til' then, enjoy reading!

What Do I Do

2009-02-26T01:47:00.014+08:00

It's 1.46am in the morning and I am still awake..my sisters are all here at home and they're sleeping like babies. We had a great day with mummy and everyone around. We haven't been spending time together for a while, so I guess they are all tired from shopping and talking about everything non-stop. I'm glad that my sisters are still my best friends that I could never replace with anything in this world.

I had a good week and I finished reading Swan Adamson's book in three days. I had a good time with friends but I guess I was having a hard time accepting new relationships..and I was thinking lot. I don't usually tell anyone about what I personally feel about myself or my feelings, so I wrote them down without wanting to know the answers..

What do I do..
When the sun stops shining?
When the stars stop sparkling?
When the rain stops pouring?

What do I do..
When the wind stops blowing?
When the river stops flowing?
When the flowers stop blooming?

What do I do..
When the lights go out?
When the skies turn dark?
When the love life gets hard...?

Begging Not to Break Apart

2009-02-18T21:41:00.009+08:00

I wasn't in the mood to write anything lately and I've been trying to deal with the atmosphere fairly, but I got tensed and confused psychologically. Fortunately I am still alive and still secure..and I'm not going insane thinking about all the small things happened in life. I was lost in confusion, and I'm glad that it inspired me to write again...

They called me lovely
They called me miss pretty
They said that I'm crazy
That I love being naughty

They look at me like I'm a swinger
In their mind I'm a fabulous player
They think that I'm a heart-breaker
That I'll always be one now till forever

They never know that I have always tried
All my best to be everyone's sweetheart
And deep down inside I silently cried
Begging for my soul not to break apart

('Breaking Apart' by Marquise de Ville, Feb 2009)

Knocked Off By Daddy

2009-02-10T00:56:00.008+08:00

It's 1am in the morning and I just got into the bedroom to get online before counting the sheep. Daddy was using the PC while I watched The Grammy's and I just loved this year's award. Most of all the presenters and performers rocked the night out. I have always loved Boyz II Men and they worked it with Justin Timberlake and Al Green. Jennifer Hudson was also great and her voice really blew me away. I was impressed with Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus' collaboration. I didn't know that Hannah Montana could sing country songs live on air and I was stunned by Katie Perry's look on the red carpet! Gosh, she really looked kissable with her baby pink lipstick.. yummy!

Nothing interesting happened today as I didn't go anywhere and stayed at home for the rest of the day watching TV. Oh,yes..daddy broke the bed yesterday while I was sleeping because he was so happy trying to wake me up from sleeping in the morning by jumping on the bed! And it's my brother's bed..lucky me! My dad was jumping and rolling on the bed while I was still dreaming and suddenly 'Bang!' and I woke up with my head on the pillow but my body flipped down a bit because the bones (or whatever they call it) that were supposed to support the mattress were cracked..and guess what? My dad just smiled when he saw me awoke and he went out of the room to have breakfast, leaving me subconsciously confused and clueless. Well, my mom helped me fixed it last night before I went to bed and she was begging my dad not to play around with breakable things in the house as he's not that 'fit and slim' like he was before hahahaha..thanks, Mom!

Well, people..I think I need to start counting the sheep to go to sleep since I have to wake up early tomorrow so that daddy won't come into the room trying to wake me with his creative strategies. I don't want to get knocked off in bed one more time. Enjoy reading and have a good day!

Save It For Another Day

2009-02-05T23:19:00.017+08:00

I'm the textbook definition of a rebel

I see the crumble over left and I've gotta go right
I'm always in some trouble
To me life ain't fun unless you're in a good fight
So the more you're good to me
The more I try to get you to leave

All my life I've made excuses
Pushing you away, saying that you're not for me
All my life I ran from you, babe
I tried everything
In the end it was you

All I wanna do is have a good time
Let the beat go through me and just take me away
You've been trying to get with me for a while
And I've been telling you to save that for another day
So the more you're good to me
The more I try to get you to leave

(from 'In The End', sung by Kat De Luna)

This is my second post for the month of Valentine..and I am still sick but I can't force my eyes to sleep for my head is still thinking about this one song from Kat De Luna which meant so much to me (because it really is about 'me'). I've been enjoying my life so much and I've been running from relationships since years as I am so concern about not to get hurt and to break anyone's heart. And I am glad that I have chosen to live my life like this..cherishing every moment with friends and family and never think twice about all the adventures and fun we have together. But lately there's a voice deep inside me whispering about a little feeling that I have far inside my heart which I am not sure what it is all about. It- the voice - keeps on saying that the place that I had long ago closed and sealed for any feelings or relationships is eagerly wanting to be filled with something that I can't even describe..whatever it is, I hope it won't hurt me in any way and I am truly happy and content that I have managed to keep the key to my heart safely in my own hands. Just to let you all know about the inner voice and also my struggling with the feeling..if it has anything to do with the word 'Love' then, I prefer to save it for another day..

By Your Side

2009-02-03T14:51:00.006+08:00

Hello again people! I know I've promised to continue the story of my shopping journey, but I don't really have time to upload and resize all the photos, but I will update about it soon. Just for now, I present you another piece of my free writings that I wrote this morning..

I will hear your cries
I will hold you tight
I will wipe your tears
and I will make it right

I will heal your pain
I will seal your veins
I'll be there when it rains
'cos I never want to see you hurt again

I'll stop your sorrow
I'll replace with light
I promise you a better tomorrow
and I'll always be by your side

('By Your Side' by Marquise de Ville, 2009)

Shopping Heaven

2009-01-23T13:15:00.006+08:00

Hey people! It feels like a long time since I updated my previous post. I had such a great time shopping and chilling in Bandung! I miss the place and I miss everything in the city, unfortunately I spent all the money I had and our train ticket to Jogja was already bought by my cousin. So we had to rush back to Jogjakarta after three days in the shopping heaven. I am definitely going back to Bandung again!!! Seriously, people..it is a real heaven for shopaholics who look for the best quality with the cheapest price. We stayed in Hotel Anggerik in Jalan Riau-where all the great factory outlets are located along the street. The recommended outlets are The Summit, The Secret, Heritage and For Men. There are more stores but those that I listed here have the best clothings that are much more expensive in Malaysia. They have Abercrombie & Fitch, Zara, MNG, FCUK, Arizona USA, Calvin Klein and more. I bought a knitted thigh-length three-quarter sleeves A&F shirt for Rp89,000 which means RM24.oo! Oh, wait! I bought two!! And the weather in Bandung is so breezy. The temperature in the city is 22-24 degree celcius and local people are really nice and soft-spoken. We had no problem with the food as the majority in the city is Sundanese people. I can't upload the photos now because the connection here is really slow and I'm having a problem with my memory card reader. (I'm using my cousin's laptop in her room). Okay, I'll continue later because we're going to shop for Javanese batik for others in the family. Til then, have a nice day!

Backpacking Bimbo

2009-01-16T02:04:00.011+08:00

It's been a while since I posted my last story and poem here. I've been busy with my workout routine and I was trying to write a poem with a happy ending but it was so hard than writing the dark ones.. I guess because sadness and devastation are so difficult to be forgotten in life even though we've moved on. Speaking about moving on in life, I still have two more days before my vacation to Jogjakarta and Bandung on Sunday, but I haven't packed anything yet. Well, it's supposed to be a backpacking vacation, so I think I'll be packing on Sunday morning before I leave..unless I get pushed by my sister and aunt who are so eager and ready with their backpacks and empty luggage bags that they reserve in case we over-shop in Bandung.

Okay, the thing with the vacation is that one: I'm broke and I don't even know if daddy will be so generous to support everything for her unemployed-jobless-spoiled-needy daughter; two: I am so hygienic and bitchy that I bring my big toiletries bag with my hand sanitizer everywhere I go (backpacking pulak mesti la duk hostel ke motel!); and three: I have daddy's Chinese tongue that can't eat spicy food in which I know Indonesian food are so hot and spicy especially the penyek chicken-thingy. I can't afford to be having tummy ache while traveling by train, and the first class train from Jogjakarta to Bandung only provides seats without beds! Oh, did I mention about the journey? It's an 8-hour train ride and I hope the train doesn't stuck somewhere and take hours to be fixed (mau kematu dibuatnya duduk lama2).

Well, I don't want to worry much now (I'm lying-I'm still so freaked out about the condition of the train and the pickpockets). I have to deal with it no matter what. Dad and Mom won't be around to do things so I need to focus on my shopping excitement which is still not showing up. Come on, get excited! Duh! My eyes are shutting down now, tired from thinking about my unplanned holiday trip in two days time. This will be my first time being a backpacker even though I've been on road trips and breakaways to the islands before. I hope it will be great like my other vacations. I guess this is all for now. I'll try to update more with my upcoming trip with fun and exciting stories. Til then, thanks for reading =)

(Quarter of my compulsory always-bring-wherever things hehe)

Lost Without Answers

2009-01-13T17:13:00.014+08:00

It's another Tuesday in January. I slept at 3am this m0rning and woke up at 7am to drop my brother at the bus station(he was going to his college) and send my friend to work. I couldn't sleep after that and I was trying to figure out how to stop my mom from nagging about my 'traffic offense' summon which she received today at her 0ffice. By the way, it was the first summon I have ever got since I got my legal license six years ago! Oh yes, I'd been a good responsible driver hehe..so I rolled on my bed thinking and I suddenly thought about my friend's request on another poem to get her inspired. I couldn't help but writing another sequel to the heart-broken series of poems that I have written. So I continued and this is how it sounds..

It was cold and dry at the same time
It was scary and dark with voices inside
It was a nightmare within sleepy nights
But there was no escape nor to run and hide

It was never in my mind to have the feeling
Of disgrace and dissapointment of you leaving
No matter what I just couldn't help from thinking
And I realised it was too late for my healing

It was a long period of painful trials
To mend the pieces of every shredded parts
I was so lost and deserted without answers
But I've finally survived with no more tears and cries

Teardrop Falls

2009-01-12T00:54:00.012+08:00

I was counting the sheep to force myself to sleep when I suddenly got inspired to write another heart-broken poem. I am so glad that I have tried my very best or the least I can do to be there for my friends who needed me when they live in sorrow. Being a shoulder to cry on makes me realise that we can't always hold heads up high and things happen for some reasons. So there it goes..

Tears are falling when I'm with you
I feel the pain when I hear you
I feel the thunder keeps coming through
And I feel the whirlwind when I see you

Tears are rolling down from my eyes
When I think you'd die I feel alive
Whenever I go I can see your smile
Whatever I do I can never be fine

Tears are drowning myself inside
It hurts me deeply to stay and cry
It breaks my heart as I'm falling apart
But it burns me in and out to say goodbye

('Teardrop Falls' by Marquise de Ville, 2009)

Never Meant to be Together

2009-01-11T02:08:00.006+08:00

"If love was a fire then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light then we'd lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport we're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean maybe we are just the stream
Cos love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way and I'll go mine
Live your life and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well and I'll be fine
Cos we're better off separated.."
(2nd verse of Usher's 'Separated')

I came across this song while I was scrolling my mp3 player and it reminded me of those who never mend their hearts because the person that they love just don't seem to have the same feelings. It's hard to know that the person you love belongs to someone else and it hurts to be rejected, but it's life. Sometimes love means you are willing to let go and set it free. So, people..stop blaming yourself and others. Sometimes you just have to walk away even though it's killing you inside out. Move on and try to accept the fact that you both are never meant to be together..

Grabbed, Stolen, Crushed

2009-01-10T01:32:00.008+08:00

Feeling head over heels with someone you admire is an unforgettable experience but getting too serious about it really cause you severe mental illness and emotional injuries. I've been in a few relationships and I believe that everyone has their own stories in facing the rough time in love affairs. I wrote this so-called poem-of-regret to those who had been heart-broken in relationships and in life; not to remind them of the pain, but for them to be stronger and not giving up their lives after everything that they have been through..

Thought the world was beautiful
Thought the skies were always blue
Thought the sun would keep shining through
But everything changed when there was you

You touched my heart and stole my soul
You grabbed the happiness and replaced with tears
You gave promises and sealed vows
But you crushed my only heart into pieces

It was nothing that I had ever dreamed
As I watched myself dying slowly
I never thought I would be so stupid
To kill myself for the uncertainty...

Fit and Fabolous With The Desperate Housewife

2009-01-08T22:26:00.013+08:00

Waking up in the second week of the beginning month of the new year made me thought about my resolutions which I wasn't sure if I had one. I turned up the pages of the new cute-tiny-sized limited edition CLEO and found the page on health 'Dieting Like A Star' and I forgot about going to bed again (which I always do even after breakfast).

So I texted my golden friends who I'd usually spend my time with inviting them to join me for a walk or a short jog in the park tomorrow and they replied yes. I was so excited to start the next day with my newly-decided resolution of the year; to get fit (I don't know if I can even stand it for a few days after my last jog last few months).

Then when my eyes were so eagerly shutting themselves half-down I got a text message from my sister asking me if I'd want to join her going to her best friend's house in DUA Residency for lunch but they planned on going to the gym and swimming before they cook. I was feeling so great to start my first aim of the year to start working out and get fit. So I changed to my work-out clothes and packed my 2-piece swimsuit while waiting for my sister to fetch me up.

I was happy to visit the host, Regina, a drop-dead-gorgeous housewife who just came back from her Xmas holiday in the UK. She married a successful British oil-and-gas engineer and they are one of the wonderful couples I've ever known. I didn't attend her wedding last year for some unavoidable reasons and I haven't been out shopping and clubbing with her for a while, so I was relieved that I've finally seen her looking prettier and happily married.

Okay so we headed to the gym first and people, I 'climbed up the hill' using the whatever-machine for 35 miles! I ran for 20 minutes on a treadmill and I swear I was sweating like a pig! I haven't worked out for a long time and I loved it that I made some effort to start again. After a 45-minutes workout, we changed to our swimsuits and went swimming in the pool. There were only four of us (Gina, my sister, her friend Alia & me) and two lovely Latin-looking girls with their mamasita chilling on the poolside. I just love the atmosphere.

We swam for half-an hour! Yes, that makes our workout a 75-minute glorious moment of our lives hahaha..We went up to the condo and got into shower to get ready preparing the ingredients for lasagna. No,no, people..I didn't cook. All I did was helping them to slice the cheese for the sauce. At least I did something (grinning) hehe. Gina cooked extra for her hubby, David and we loved her lasagna! After desserts of seedless grapes, baby tomatoes and strawberries, she sent us down the lobby as we didn't want to take her time because David would be home anytime.

I love everything I did today and I love spending time with the girls again hehehe..and I am so highly-boosted now that I feel so fabulous and I am ready to continue with my workout regime..I can do it! And before I fell asleep from the tiring run, I attached some of the photos of the gym, the pool and Gina's condo..oh, not to forget the delicious lasagna which I snapped during my wonderful day in the simple-but-magnificient-contemporary-in-town neighbourhood of DUA Residency:

To those who haven't sure what their New Year resolutions are, explore things and try to be happy being yourself because when you're optimistic and feeling energised, you'll be surprised on how interesting your life can be. =)

Packing Worries Off On A Getaway

2009-01-08T01:14:00.004+08:00

I was so full after dinner just now and I don't have the guts to sleep at this time with this half-rounded tummy. Alia's masak lemak cili api was hot and spicy but delicious that I finished the whole plate of rice ( I didn't usually have the appetite for carbs before). So to kill the time and wait for the calories and fat that I have consumed, I connected my external hardisk and clicked on 'My Photos' to see my latest collections of my cam-whoring hobby. I was smiling to my ears while I viewed the pictures that have been shot in Port Dickson last Saturday. It was a great weekend and a sudden getaway. My friends and I decided to go to PD as Harez wanted to try shooting the sunset with his new EOS 450D and Haneem was so eager for a picnic. We texted each other the night before at 11pm and made the decision to meet up the next noon after Hareez got back from his office straigtaway. It was a last-minute plan but it was one of the best getaways from town that I've ever had.Haneem, Kimi and my brother seemed to enjoy the short trip and I was so glad that they were happy. It felt so good to see my brother (who thought jaws would eat him if he got into the water) strolling around the beach and Haneem joined me to have a few shots jumping. Hareez seemed so good shooting the skies and kids playing on the beach. I had a great time using Kimi's EOS 350D and listening to the sound of the waves and laying on the seaside just staring up to the sky with breathtaking sunset. I have always loved the beach and islands.. PD was not that clean and beautiful, but I had fun and managed to get rid of the worries (of getting older and undecided) from my mind. I was relieved and hope to get on more roadtrips and holidays this year. And these are some of the photos snapped during the short but sweet getaway..

Circles of Life

2009-01-07T17:34:00.000+08:00

A tribute to all my friends and family and those who have been there for me, sharing my ups and downs. I love u guys and the poem is written to express how much I appreciate the time being around these pretty people of my life..

We called it pretty

We called it ugly

We love the beauty
We love it nasty

We do it fun

We love to enjoy

We fill with laughter

We celebrate with joy

We never regret the trouble

We go through everything together

Because we know we have each other

And the memories remain forever

=>

Stepping Up Into The Crowd

2009-01-06T08:16:00.000+08:00

It's January 2009 and I'm turning 23 this November, just completed my degree (the graduation will be in February-March), unemployed and I have all the free time that I don't even know how to spend..so I decided to start doing something that everybody is talking about... this ...blogging. I know it's so lame and so out of the ark to start expressing my thoughts in writing at this age. Well, getting older is not something that I look forward to. So here I am at 3.32pm on a just-rainy Tuesday in my bedroom on my queen-sized bed sitting still as the connection from an unsecured wireless network of one of the residents in the condo will be disconnected for any mechanism.
I've had the passion for writing ever since I was a teenager ( if 23 sounds old to you) but I'd never given any concern to that as I practice the freedom of speech which makes I believe that thoughts can be expressed at any time or pace whether they are delivered in writing or conveyed verbally. I have been writing short stories and poems since I was in school and everyone in the family knows that I am so passionate about language and history. I didn't do well in school academically though, I just loved writing and that was why I only scored in English and Maths. But those were the days. After I finished school my parents supported my decision of enrolling myself in a more specific English course so that I could share my thoughts and whatever I have in mind with those who have the passion like I do. And they were right. I enjoyed my college life. I loved being a TESL student.. an English-optionist..a language practitioner.
That was then. This is now. I am still an outspoken person and I will always be. How on earth will people ever get your message if you don't communicate or speak with them? It's a process of saying something ,thinking of more to say, perhaps correcting something you have said and then move on to the next statement. And I am writing for my thoughts to be shared.. to be expressed and blogging looks fun to me. It's just so natural and people don't have to worry about considering my choice of words or the form as long as they can clearly express what they intend to say.
Okay, I know this is getting boring. Enough with my theories and nature of writing as people have started their blogs since ages..hehe..I have to stop my textbook definition of writing or people won't read my blog even before I start with a sentence haha. Well, this is just an introduction of myself and my blog. I am just one of the faces that is stepping out into the crowd to be one of the outspoken, open-mided and wise blogger. And I never wish so hard on anything. This is just me not trying to make it to the top. Just me and my thoughts...wishing for more valuable ideas and experience to be shared soon. Til' then, have a nice day!